To every single health care practitioner who has told me that the magic formula to weight loss is "Calories in equals calories out," I'm here to tell you that I've analyzed all of my calories in vs out data over the last two months and that formula is bullshit.

Someone please explain to me how an 8,463 calorie deficit* over the course of a week equals 2.1 pounds of weight loss, but a 9,051 calorie deficit* the next week only equals 0.4 pounds of weight loss.

*I'm calculating calories out using my FitBit, but I don't trust it. If I estimate calories out using my BMR and assuming a "light active" lifestyle, it's a 6,754 calorie deficit the first week and a 6670 calorie deficit the second week.

Typically, for weight loss, a 3500 calorie deficit equals one pound of weight loss. So if you have a 7000 calorie deficit over the course of a week, you should expect a 2 pounds per week lost.

I really want to dig up the original article that came up with this formula. We already know that age, weight, height, and sex change the formula, but I'm sure there's some distribution around this mean, even after factoring those things in, due to things like GENETICS.

It was probably pretty handy to be able to hang on to weight during the winter for my northern European ancestors, and even more handy once they crossed the Atlantic in wooden boats and then half-starved to death in colonial America.

Everyone says that America is fat, and yes, this has something to do with all the processed food many Americans eat, but DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE I'VE HAD A FRENCH FRY??? WE'RE TALKING YEARS. It's not my diet, folks.

I truly believe that colonization of the Americas was a selection event for Europeans. So can my physician please stop telling me to stop eating cheeseburgers. BECAUSE ALL I EAT IS CHICKEN AND GROUND TURKEY.

I mean, GOD -- look at every single person in my family. Clearly we have something genetic going on. My cousins in Missouri whom I have barely met look EXACTLY like me.

Meanwhile, my southern European husband can eat ALL THE THINGS plus my leftovers and never gain a pound.

WE HAVE THE SAME DIET. IT'S NOT THE DIET. IT'S GENETICS.