Today started out wonderfully. Sundays I always love to dress up nice for church. We had two baptisms today and it hit me like a hulk punch in the gut. I dont belong anymore.

I listened as the songs were sung and prayers prayed and my soul tore in two. I really felt like an outsider looking in. No joy....not sure what I believe anymore....just a huge hollowness.

I want to run and hide. I dont want to cause injury or have to defend myself for changing. I dont want a pity party or the gossip mill to run overtime but I'm afraid all these things are in my future.

The community i once loved and adored now just feels empty. I still love these people. I value who they are as humans and the love they put into my life. I know some of them will still love me....I hope.

For those who faced this point in deconstructing what gave you hope while facing this ever present gaping hole of darkness?

I cant seem to feel strong footing beneath me today. I'm falling.....and crying....and very much alone. Hello darkness my old friend......

An added element to this is being a pastors wife. There's so many layers here. Being a well known leader in my community. Not having that team leadership as husband and wife. My ministry with youth being jeopardized. So much loss.....