How to make your relationship more accessible:

This is based on my experience of being in relationship with @sicc_bitch We’re both disabled and don’t live together. But I think lots of this will apply to most interpersonal situations where at least one person is disabled.

1) Expand your definition of time spent together- This one has been huge for me. Leaving the house is a major undertaking for both Margo and I. We spend a lot of time missing each other.

The first thing that helped for me was starting to view time spent texting (even one-sided texting) as time spent with us. Then I realized I could take it even further. I can’t always text, and I was already spending a lot of the time when I couldn’t text thinking about Margo.

So I decided that when I’m thinking about us, that’s time the two of us are spending together. I know that Margo cares about me and wants to be able to be there when I don’t have any spoons, and in my mind, we were there already. So I made the radical decision to validate that.

2) Find accessible ways to care for each other. A large part of Margo and I’s relationship takes place over text. As a result, we have come up with a lot of shorthands to express complex ideas bc typing takes spoons. Most of those shorthands express different types of care.

Something new that works for us: last night, I was doing Very Badly. I had spoons with which to complete small tasks, but my thinking spoons were largely depleted. Margo walked me through all the things that we would do for me if we were here, and I did them.

I lit a candle, I brought my snacks and my gatorade to bed, I grabbed my fave stuffed animal, and I put on a John Mulaney special. I wouldn’t have thought to do most of these things if Margo hadn’t told me to.

Something I do as an act of care for both of us is send Margo a long text of things I love about us before I go to sleep every night. This holds me accountable for the time I’m going to sleep and soothes my mind so I’m less likely to have night terrors.

3) Agreements, not expectations. I saw a tweet about this recently, but I can’t find it rn. The message was essentially “Agreements are consensual; expectations aren’t.” I would never have thought to phrase it that way, but it really holds true for me.

I often have the need to express my thoughts and experiences to another person. Many times per day I need an audience. Margo and I have agreed that I can text us as much as I need to, so long as I do not expect us to always respond, promptly or at all.

This meets both of our access and emotional needs. I am able to express anything I need to, and Margo gets to know about my life without the pressure to respond that we sometimes feel from other people.

The two of us frequently check in with each other to make sure this system is still functioning for both of us.

4) Nurture trust, but express your fears. I have borderline personality disorder. Sometimes that manifests as my brain convincing me that the important people in my life genuinely despise me.

Margo and I have nurtured enough trust that that symptom is not as bad with us as it once was, but it still happens from time to time. And when it does, I feel safe asking Margo if it’s true. I send a text and I wait.

Sometimes I have to wait a while, which is stressful, but it’s no longer unbearable because I trust them to respond eventually and to answer honestly.

I’m sure there are more, but my brain is tired. I might come back and add to this, and I encourage y’all to add your own tips in replies.