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I& #39;ve been trying to sit here and put into words how I& #39;m feeling. In all honesty, there& #39;s no real reason for me to talk about this, but I guess I want people who may be going through the same thing as me to not feel so alone. Warning, it& #39;s a lot of death and anxiety talk. Sorry!
As to be expected, this pandemic has left me feeling more anxious than ever. I refuse to go outside without a mask, and if someone comes into my personal space I have to take a few minutes to myself to calm down. I just cannot handle human contact outside my family. (2/?)
If this was the only problem, that& #39;d be bearable. But for me it& #39;s the panic attacks. I& #39;ve had them even before the pandemic hit, but they& #39;ve started to become more and more frequent. I wake up, shaking, feeling like someone is going to hurt me, like I& #39;m going to be sick. (3/?)
I just feel like I& #39;m going to DIE, y& #39;know? I get the shakes, start to sweat and am unable to go back to sleep. I can& #39;t tell you how many times my sister has woken up to see me on the bathroom floor, shaking because nowhere else feels comfortable. (4/?)
I& #39;m disgusted at myself for being & #39;so weak.& #39; For not being stronger so my family doesn& #39;t have to worry about me. But the reality is that I& #39;m anxious and scared, and who isn& #39;t? What we& #39;re living through is a traumatic event, and we& #39;ve already got other stuff to worry about (5/?)
with COVID just being the shitberry on top. Even if COVID was to be cured tomorrow, I don& #39;t think my panic attacks would stop in their severity. In fact, I think they& #39;d get worse. What if it came back? What if I didn& #39;t know it did and I spread it to my relatives? (6/?)
It& #39;s these questions that plague me as I sit up at night, wondering if my chest is hurting because I& #39;m scared or if its something else entirely. Everything I do is calculated now, and if something goes wrong? I spiral. I hide under my covers and count to 100. (7/?)
Why am I talking about this on public instead of my private? Because I want to be real about how shot my mental health is and how, if you& #39;re feeling similar, that it& #39;s okay! It fucking sucks a lot, don& #39;t get me wrong and this hell-site doesn& #39;t help (8/?)
but if I can at least help anyone feel somewhat human - because frankly? My panic attacks make me feel anything but that - then it& #39;s worth it, y& #39;know? I know I& #39;m lucky because I have a very understanding workplace, and good friends and family. Not everyone has that (9/?)
