The #Rakgadi story has been great for laughs on Twitter. The aunt who dishes the dirt on the unfaithful sister-in-law and all that. It is actually tragic and triggering. It reminded me of some of the toxic, woman-hating, misogynistic practices of the communities I grew up in. 1

I have seen this story many times before. In Tzaneen. Soweto. Hammanskraal. It is the story of what we do to women. How we demonize, oppress and even kill them. The bad “makoti” is always on hand to be accused of witchcraft, greed and being a whore. It’s an old trope. 2

That widow accused of cheating is my many girl cousins and aunts and others who have been in similar situations. A man dies. A woman grieves - and is blamed for his death. He could have died of a heart attack in the arms of another, but she will get the blame.3

In large parts of our country a man is seen as an investment by parents and the extended family. He is expected to provide. When he gets married the wife is part of the commodity that he is. She must cook, clean, etcetera for the entire family. That’s the role of the Makoti.4

She is regarded with suspicion. If her husband is devoted to her, she must have bewitched him. If they don’t have a child, it’s her fault. If he doesn’t disburse largesse, she must be poisoning him against the family.5

If they become prosperous and he showers her with gifts, she is said to be manipulative, a sorceress of some sort and to have given him “korobela” or love potion. If he strays, it’s because she is not giving good sex. Essentially, she is the enemy. It’s a battle for resources.6

If he dies then it’s curtains for the woman. She will be kicked out of their house (“ke ntlo ya ngwanaka e” - this is my child’s house) by the mother and family. She is robbed of her inheritance (“ke ditshelete tsa ngwanaka tse”).7

The widow is accused of having got rid of him to spend “his money” with her boyfriends. In my friends’ case she was kicked out of their house on the day he died and the mother was “chief mourner”. They claimed she had poisoned him. He was shot and killed at work. He was a cop.8

There was probably no man “brought” by the wife to that Tombstone Guy’s house as alleged by the sister-in-law. If there was, what business is it of hers? What we know is that there are assets to divide up. And the wife is the first to be demonised.9

We need to stop. What unfolded at that funeral is tragic and sad. It is triggering. It is toxic. It is misogynistic. It is part of the mental and physical assault on women that our society metes out every day.10

A woman, the sister-in-law, made the accusations at Tombstone Guy’s funeral. That is no mitigating factor for what it means. It is society that has allowed such practices to not only continue, but to flourish. We’ve seen this story before. It needs to stop. Please make it stop.11