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cw // a lot of shit about my depression and everything
years of pain, abuse and loneliness dont just get nulled because you are uncomfortable with my existence
i say a lot of "oh my god i hope i die haha" and "woah shouldve cut deeper" and on the one side, these are 1/15
years of pain, abuse and loneliness dont just get nulled because you are uncomfortable with my existence
i say a lot of "oh my god i hope i die haha" and "woah shouldve cut deeper" and on the one side, these are 1/15
jokes, on another they are simple wishes and on the true side they are cries for help.
it goes against my very nature to ever ask anyone to help with anyone, to ever admit im not healthy to ever seek anything needed by anyone.
but ive become more of myself and i 2/15
it goes against my very nature to ever ask anyone to help with anyone, to ever admit im not healthy to ever seek anything needed by anyone.
but ive become more of myself and i 2/15
have accepted that i need people around me to not go insane and that that is okay.
so i have also started to accept that im hella depressed and for some reason wanting to die and hurting urself should be helped.
so i start searching help by not searching help because 3/15
so i have also started to accept that im hella depressed and for some reason wanting to die and hurting urself should be helped.
so i start searching help by not searching help because 3/15
i jus cant do it. i cant seek help and i wouldnt even know what kind i "need" and
and then people start saying things in my replies like "dont" and some voices agree. in my hed.
theres always this part of me which wants to scream "neither do i, pls help me i literally 4/15
and then people start saying things in my replies like "dont" and some voices agree. in my hed.
theres always this part of me which wants to scream "neither do i, pls help me i literally 4/15
dont know what to do at all!" because ive never wanted help before.
but saying "this makes me uncomfortable" and "well just dont" or anything like that, doesnt help. or "well i guess u dont want to change" i am sorry but i cannot admit i want to, in that situation. 5/15
but saying "this makes me uncomfortable" and "well just dont" or anything like that, doesnt help. or "well i guess u dont want to change" i am sorry but i cannot admit i want to, in that situation. 5/15
its really eeally fucking hard and i thought at least one person surely must understand that and try to help me anyways. no. im changing too slow. im not good enough and i apparently dont matter for longer than 2 replies. i am sorry but i cant handle it either. 6/15
i cant hamdle myself thinking and doing those things. i cant ha dle being alone with them and i cant handle EVERYONE. telling me " sorry i cant help you"
its okay to not be able to help me, to not be able to handle it
7/15
its okay to not be able to help me, to not be able to handle it
7/15
however it is not okay to expect me or anyone with these kinda problems to immediately change, to immediately want to change to immediately be healthy because guess what when u have cancer so or something and u eat one magic pill of kindness its not immediately going to be 8/15
away.
i have never had real friends, ive never had some kind of family i actuallly feel comfortable i dont even have a place to be at least okay at. and that over my entire life, doesnt just go away when u reply with "oh well maybe jist dont because u hirting urself 9/15
i have never had real friends, ive never had some kind of family i actuallly feel comfortable i dont even have a place to be at least okay at. and that over my entire life, doesnt just go away when u reply with "oh well maybe jist dont because u hirting urself 9/15
would hurt me a bit (although im gonna forget in a week anyway)"
and especially dont follow up with
"oh well u are a horrible human being for not *wanting* to change" because... wtf do u want to achieve with that? 10/15
and especially dont follow up with
"oh well u are a horrible human being for not *wanting* to change" because... wtf do u want to achieve with that? 10/15
im asking myself that for so many peopem trying to "help"
what the actual fuck do u want to achieve? i agree that im horrible my psit says "i should kill myself" im not saying that because i think im gorgeous?
i know it doesnt seem like it but i actually dont like being 11/15
what the actual fuck do u want to achieve? i agree that im horrible my psit says "i should kill myself" im not saying that because i think im gorgeous?
i know it doesnt seem like it but i actually dont like being 11/15
depressed and i dont like bugging people with wanting to change, so i play it off as if i dont. and even if i didnt wanted to change, and u wanted me to, do u think ur gonna achieve that by saying to me what i want or dont want? to saying to me what kind of person i am? 12/15
obviously i can see that people are pissed at me because i post a lot if self harm shit and so on. and thats okay. i have tried to reduce it, but i am also not stopping to hurt myself and i dont want to hurt myself so i try to communicate a help. am i too dumb? 13/15
is this thread clear enough? i mean, no one will read it and im only gonna get a lot of "cant help" or "wow so ur hating on/ its not okay for ur to.."
its okay to not help me, its not okay to trll a depressive person theyre horrible for not bwing able to say out loud 14/15
its okay to not help me, its not okay to trll a depressive person theyre horrible for not bwing able to say out loud 14/15
"please help me".
but does it matter? no one will read this, im gonna feel unimportant, cut some more eat some less be anxious and make my followers uncomfortable. after all, im probably just imagining everything and acting like it anyways.
15/15
but does it matter? no one will read this, im gonna feel unimportant, cut some more eat some less be anxious and make my followers uncomfortable. after all, im probably just imagining everything and acting like it anyways.
15/15
