The incredibly personal reason for my deep hatred of the live action cat in the hat movie, a thread:

In the third grade, I was a good kid. I was soft spoken, not a trouble maker, never fought back when bullied, and listened to and respected the teacher. But there was a kid called Jaun who wanted to be better than that. He wanted to be better than me.

He looked like a duck. He was a sleazy, tattletale weasel of a kid. He would look for ways to “get” me. One time I poked a hole in my water bottle cap for easy water flow, and he told the teacher and got my water taken from me. I hated him with all my being.

One Monday, after a weekend of movie-going with my family, I was telling my friends all about the film I had just watched: a film called “The Cat in the Hat.” I told them about the crazy colors and wacky characters. But most of all, I told them about a scene. A scene I liked most

It was the scene where the Cat in question pretends he’s on a cooking show of some sort. He makes puns and chops knives, until he accidentally hurts himself. What does he exclaim? “SON OF A-“ and it cuts off. He doesn’t say bitch. He doesn’t curse. It’s a kids movie.

So I repeat this line to my friends, and they all laugh in enjoyment. I go about my day and triumph in the fact that I made my friends laugh by quoting a movie line. Everything seems fine until my teacher calls me up. Who’s standing beside her but Juan the duckface tattletale.

She told me that cursing is unacceptable, and I don’t understand what she’s saying as I did not curse all day. She tells me that Juan told her that I said “son of a bleep” during recess. Juan had been lurking behind me the whole time, listening in. He got what he wanted.

I explain that it was just part of a movie I saw, somehow not explaining that it was the cat in the hat and that I didn’t actually curse. She tells me that just because I saw it in a movie doesn’t mean it’s ok. I had nothing else to say. She sent me to detention for 2 days.

The worst part? Juan was smiling. In all his duckface, weasel looking glory, he smirked a smirk that only the most evil of children could have. I glared at him, vowing revenge one day. Unfortunately, that day never came. Juan left the school in 4th grade, leaving me with nothing.

Juan, if you’re out there, I haven’t forgotten. I haven’t forgiven. Your sins remain unexacted, but not for long. Time is running out, you just don’t know it yet. Karma is out there and his name is Nicholas Alan Vasquez.