Okay, y'all, get a drink and some popcorn, settle in.

I just got a call from Cousin Ken.

Who I believe is the younger brother of Cousin John, and both the first cousins of Cousin Lee.

For the new folks, in 2018 I inherited five acres of fracking land in Ohio that I said was going to be more trouble than it was worth.

I was right.

Around here, as in on the twitter, we've decided we're going to use the land to establish a combined gimp commune and artist's colony, but mostly it's a bunch of trees in rural Ohio that's so far out there isn't even a road to it, going from Google Maps.

Anyway. First thing to happen, was Cousin Lee sent me a wad of paperwork that signed over all mineral rights to him, nullified any previous verbal or written claims, and had a quit-claim for the hubbo to sign, meaning when I die the land goes straight back to Lee.

That was what, maybe six months ago.

I was, to say the least, irritated as all hell, and told Cousin Lee that I wasn't signing shit until I knew what was going on.

Then I quit taking his calls.

Mind you, the paperwork all came from a legal aid place, not an actual lawyer, and we took to calling it Bubba's Legal Aid and Shrimp Shack, IIRC.

After that (be patient, regulars, I got a lot of new followers lately who're gonna be confused), I got a call from Cousin John, telling me I needed to sign some paperwork ('little lady' was heavily implied) and I told him I wasn't signing anything until I knew what was going on.

I FINALLY got a map with the plots, both of the fracking tract and my land within it, and oops, he also sent me a list of every damn person involved, their percentage of the profit, and what rights they signed away.

Cousin Lee has 45%. Cousin John has about 6% IIRC.

I hold a measly 1.5%. Keep that in mind, it makes the rest much more entertaining.

I signed paperwork allowing "exploratory drilling".

Most everyone else had signed away mineral rights.

Mine, they wanted mineral AND surface rights.

No explanation why but I assume dumping, road building, or otherwise harming my lovely trees.

So I quit taking phone calls from Cousin John. Because I still was getting no information.

That was about a month ago. Cousin John kept calling every weekend, and I didn't answer.

So today?

Cousin KEN calls. (These are all my dad's cousins and I don't know them because no one on that side of the fam speaks to each other b/c they've done this before.)

There's more details, but today's (I am giggling as I type) take-away is, there's over eighty grand in an escrow account and the oil company won't release any of it until I sign.

I'm the last hold-out. Me and my 1.5% of the plot.

Now, I'm gonna tell you, all honesty, I can absolutely be bought. Not gonna lie.

But it's gonna take more than not-quite a thousand dollars to do it.

Like, a LOT more.

Turns out there's been a fracked gas well on the land for THREE FUCKING YEARS.

I didn't even officially own the land until 2018, and I only agreed to exploratory drilling.

SOMEONE FORGED MY SIGNATURE.

I will bet you Lee forged it, sent me that pack of paperwork giving him all rights to the land, he'd get the money and essentially own it in all but literal deed until I croaked, then it was his. Bet you ANYTHING.

So I informed Cousin Ken that I never agreed to anything past exploratory drilling, Lee probably forged my signature, I don't care if that money is in the bank when hell freezes over, and if they try to rip me off one more time I'm donating the land to Greenpeace.

Cousin Ken is on the other end of the line going "buh. Buh. Buh."

(Warning for flashing light on that gif.)

Meanwhile, hub had seen the name on caller ID, heard me pick up, and wandered in from the Man Cave just about in time to hear this and is

So the upshot is, I've terrorized another old white man in my family, the oil company's lawyer is supposed to call me tomorrow, and hub has put it best, "they pulled the wrong woman to try this on."

Hub and I actually are considering the land as a potential hermatige to park the camper on for months at a time after retirement, so we want it intact. So if they've fucked with it, I'm going to chew Lee's ass like a school of piranhas.

Told you they were trying to rip me off somehow. There's always an asshole in this family. Other than me.

This ends today's installment. Should I pin this on my profile to keep track of this bullshit and just add to it as the saga unfolds?

Okay. So nine fifteen in the goddamn AM, first day of cyber school so the kid and I are holed up in the pillow fort with pretzels and and granola bars, and Cousin Ken turns out to be one of those damned old man early risers.

He's already been on the phone to "the lawyer" who turns out to be Bubba from the shrimp shack and legal aid. I'll be looking him up but I'm pretty sure he's never passed the bar.

Bubba (trying to keep this anonymous) tells Ken that the oil company isn't involved any more.

And in fact it's all a done deal and he's not even getting paid for this any more, he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart or some shit. (Will be checking for links between him and Lee, like high school.)

Lee has been telling everyone if I don't sign in 90 days, my portion is forfeit. Bubba says no, technically I can tie this up for decades.

And then KEN GOES AROUND AND TELLS ME THIS.

I mention - as we'd discussed, trying to get them all on Lee's ass - that this all came to a screeching halt when I saw that quit claim, and Ken's just "oh yeah, he sent them out to everyone. Nobody signed them. That's just Lee."

And I'm like "you really don't think Lee has defrauded anyone over this??"

And Ken is typically "buh..."

So after I re-read everything, have a couple-six cups of tea, talk to the hub, and wait a few weeks, I'll call Bubba and squeeze out of him where the oil company is in all this, why he hasn't passed the bar but is representing this deal, who signed those quit claims -

How the land got fracked without my signature, if it was being forged why was I contacted in the first place, and has he ever heard of tree laws?

This possibly ends today's installment, unless I hear from one of the cousins, or Bubba the non-lawyer.

Googling, the lawyer Cousin Ken told me to call today may not be the same as Bubba, who is working with Cousin Lee. Will have to dig up more documents. But this guy seems to have actually passed the bar.

Oh my fucking god, he got his bachelor's degree in my home town.

Strictly small time. Hoping he reacts properly when told there may be fraud happening. Who the fuck knows at this point.

Right, now I'm curious (that always ends badly) and dragged out the wad of paperwork from Cousin Lee. Bubba is absolutely and for sure a different lawyer than the dude from the oil company.

AND THEN COUSIN JOHN CALLS.

AND HE IS OFFERING TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING.

Oh, I bet.

I told him I'd enjoy that.

I'm taking notes.

It's looking like Lee has defrauded the entire family and they're just now figuring it out.

Boom.

Trying to figure out who signed off on my grandfather's share, and who ever it was, it wasn't his heirs.

HE HAD NO IDEA.

Had a sit-up-in-bed-and-say-“oh SHIT” last night around midnight.

I think I know who Cousin Ken is, and if so, it’d explain why he’s telling me everything.

My dad had a cousin Kenny who he grew up with.

I think he and his brother John are trying to look after me, for my dad’s sake. (Dad passed on a decade and so ago.) I got the feeling Ken wasn’t 100% on top of things, which would explain his brother John’s “??!” callback.

Which means if I’m right they’re going to ride Lee’s ass like Jesus to Jerusalem. The only time John seemed angry yesterday was in regard to Lee. Was super kind to me, especially after he heard all my questions.

So anyway, there’s that puzzle piece. I’m crawling into the pillow fort with the kid and trying to write something.

So then.

Using this as a log to track the fuckery. Over Labor Day weekend, we drove out to my land and I’d need a surveyor to know if it’s on my land but we definitely have a permanent fracking well:

The red point to the left is the SW point of the tract, established by lat and long. My land is in that corner. The other flag is where the fracking pad in the photo above is.

Yeah, you can get the location from that data. I don’t care, it’s nowhere near my house.

I will say, I've still got it. The natural born data analyst/Brooch Warfare thing?

I looked at the map, said "where would I put a well, and the road to it?" we drove there, and lo and behold.

Well.

For those who haven't been here long, a major factor in all this is, I had COVID in March and it touched off a massive Lupus flare (like this is how we figured out for sure I have it) and I'm waiting on a doc to medicate, so I feel like shit.

Which means I'm moving in slow motion on this, which in the end may be how I win. Convenient.

Anyway. Get home from the gas well, sleep for a while, then start poking around the county recorder's office deeds listing, and it seems someone forged my signature.

Twenty. Three. Times.

So, y'know. I went from moving in slow motion to dropping anchor and reversing engines.

I didn't feel good. Sounded like a fine time to take a week long nap.

I dropped a note to the Ohio state Attorney General saying I thought my signature was being forged on deeds in Belmont County, to kind of get it on the record early, and took another nap.

Somewhere in there (really; not doing so hot, lost a few days in there, plus kid started school, and doctors, and fuck it), Cousin John called. And not feeling well or feeling strategic at the moment, I said something to the effect of my signature was forged, bye.

YESTERDAY, Cousin Lee, probably having heard the word "forgery" from Cousin John and sweating bullets, called.

At nine in the fucking morning.

I saw his name and let the machine pick up.

Hub had it switched to 'readable voicemail'. It's still sitting in my mailbox, unopened.

Hub mentioned that it's the classic manipulative asshole message. He's willing to forgive all this if I'll just sign.

Yeah. I bet he is.

Meanwhile, on the county recorder's website, I've noticed that Lee used land as collateral for an ***FOUR HUNDRED AND EIGHTY THOUSAND DOLLAR LOAN*** and my forged signature is on it.

So is the bank's name.

So maybe tomorrow, maybe Monday, I'll look up the details like the loan number and stuff that's all right there, and call the bank, and say "forged collateral."

And then take another nap.

For week or two.

While not picking up the phone.

Might call the Feds or the mail cops if I'm awake.

And that's where things stand for now.

Yes, it has occurred to me that my personal safety may be an issue. It's been discussed. With the husbeast. Who was career Navy.

Further notices as events warrant.

PS: I did mention to John that I used to work at Citi and was famous for finding fraud when it wasn't my job. It may be another reason Lee's terrified.

And yes, my safety has been discussed. Military family. I'm okay.

Cousin John called today, I didn't pick up. He wanted to know if I had an attorney yet.

I've got a line on a few but am still moving in slow motion because I feel like shit.