To Do List for Collective Survival:

Become aware of our emotions. Map each one to possible need(s) they may indicate. Identify multiple strategies for addressing each need. Flexibly allocate resources. Communicate to reach mutual understanding, not to defend ego. 1/

1) Become aware of our emotions. We never feel an emotion "for no reason". Cause and effect don't have to be immediate. You can feel uncomfortable because a situation reminds you of another situation that caused you discomfort before. It doesn't mean, "It's all in your head". 2/

We all bring our feelings from past experiences into new situations. We are able to make inferences, connect disparate data points, make decisions that protect us + advance our interests, using narrative. The narrative, however, is a predictive analytic tool, not reality. 3/

We have stories about why others act the way they act, for a reason. Story is not the whole truth, even if it carries predictive power. This is due to differences in the context of the experience(s) that taught us what to anticipate + the context of the new experience(s). 4/

Not examining our biases leads to unskilled conflict, because we can attribute the causes of our feelings to others and what they have or have not done and why, rather than understanding our emotions as indicative of our own unmet needs that we need to take time to understand. 5/

A values system rooted in domination of others precludes vulnerability, relies on strategies of surveillance and analysis. A much more efficient way of receiving the information we need about why others are acting the way they are, is to ask them. 6/

Similarly, we can also ask ourselves, "Why am I acting the way I'm acting?" What feelings, desires, fears, are motivating my behavior? What am I trying to accomplish with my behavior? Is there a more efficient, and also more loving, strategy that I can choose to meet my needs? 6/

When we don't know how to communicate, it is more efficient to choose a strategy that doesn't require other people to change their behavior. However, the most efficient, loving, and resilient approach, invites people to support us to meet our needs in an informed way. 7/

Example: I'm feeling overwhelmed. There's someone who emails me a lot. That might be part of why I feel this way. It might not. I need space to find out. Giving myself that space is crucial for the health of my relationship, and so is how I do or don't communicate my need. 8/

Our needs are different from day to day and from person to person. We cannot assume that another person is able to 1) support us meeting our need + 2) knows how. They only can go off of previous contexts + our most recent agreement. We need a new agreement for this new moment. 9/

I don't like receiving information in 10 emails that can be communicated in one. I recognize that some people like to receive actionably separate content in separate threads. I prefer to receive a list of topics that need discussing + to invite engagement at a scheduled time. 10/

Both the reason the person is sending me 10 emails a day and the reason I don't want them to do are valid. If all I tell this person is, "You email me too much", they don't know how much is a good amount or what information to include on each. They only know that I am upset. 11/

If the other is skilled, they might say, "I have a need to get your input on a series of things that feel too large for one email. How would you prefer I break up the info?" This requires them to both understand their need + infer my need from my personal attack alone. 12/

If they are not aware of why they're emailing me each topic separately (that it's one strategy among multiple options), that there are other options, or that personal attacks can often be an unskilled expression of an unmet need, they may just think I'm being judgmental. 13/

If they don't know how to ask me for a new suggestion + feel hurt/disinclined to offer support, or if I don't honor their request for a new suggestion because I don't have one or I think they should "just know", I may end up not having my request respected + feeling unheard. 14/

It's much more effective to take responsibility for the needed change. "I get a lot of emails. It makes it hard for me to track everything. I can build a new organizational system, but I don't have time + this impacts me now. Can you tell me if this other approach works for you?"

By communicating my need and being open to understanding theirs, we were able to collaboratively reach a solution much faster and more amicably than if I had simply built a new system or ignored all of their emails. Now I have the space I wanted. Do I still feel overwhelmed? Yes!