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It is close to midnight. I took a nap today and woke up just to have a mental breakdown in front of my dad (this is my first time ever revealing that side of me). With that being said I am creating a thread of my thoughts just to look back on. Please skip.
Tw: suicidal thoughts
Tw: suicidal thoughts
Context:
Today was the 1st day of online school, was really pleasant and normal. I had fun on the tl then took a nap.. Dad decided he will schedule our school days, even tho I knew that beforehand I still was extremely depressed and went crazy, had a mental breakdown.
Today was the 1st day of online school, was really pleasant and normal. I had fun on the tl then took a nap.. Dad decided he will schedule our school days, even tho I knew that beforehand I still was extremely depressed and went crazy, had a mental breakdown.
I started wishing death upon myself in a crazy manner, what it boils down to is that yet again I am being stripped of my life and fun time. Every goal I set for this year is meaningless now life feels meaningless more than ever and death seems like the easier option...
It did for so many years, now it is coming back stronger than ever. That’s what happens every year and I am afraid there won’t be a coming back from this at some point. I know this kinda sounds whiny, because it is but my free time is the only thing keeping me sane these years.
I really have big hopes for future but I feel like they will never come true as long as I am trapped.. Now that my control over my time is non-existent I can’t savor these lil happy moments..
(I really hate myself now, I wanna cry. I wish I could be strong but all I do is whine)
(I really hate myself now, I wanna cry. I wish I could be strong but all I do is whine)
Anyways my thoughts? I hate the way my dad thinks of my siblings and I as mindless puppets; the way he subconsciously disregards our dreams, hopes, and goals; the way he wants us to become him and such but honestly this is not the only bad side of him.
I spoke against him multiple times when he set the rules (ik it’s disrespectful) then he threatened to beat up and that’s when I had my breakdown. He told to think about what I did.. After I revealed my suicidal thoughts..
Then later he came back and said something along the lines of what do you think of yourself being disrespectful.. The first thing that came to him after me panicking for 15 minutes isn’t whether he should ask about my wellbeing or question what I said..
It is literally how he should lemme know that I was disrespectful.. I am not excusing myself but I was really angry atm and all I said is that his words are lies.
Anyways this is not the worst that came out of my mind, I was in the kitchen when I broke down and then I saw a pair of sharp scissors lying somewhere and I was about to cut myself if I wasn’t afraid I’d get caught.
Honestly I am so close to killing myself if it weren’t for Islam since in Islam if you kill yourself you’re gonna live in hell for eternity and repeat your sin forever. Some might say it is a toxic way of keeping yourself alive but it works for me.
I don’t have another reason to stay in this world; no loved one that I think will care that much about me and no one will be that devastated. Yeah I have good friends but they’ll be ok after a while. My fear of the afterlife is the only way to stay.
I am kinda afraid of one thing: if I start devaluing the afterlife and this doesn’t become a good way to stop me. Also even tho I won’t kill myself I still wanna die everyday so I need to find multiple reasons to stay alive as a backup.
I tried the ones I saw online. None worked. I just can’t find a reason to stay alive for even the next hour, it is hard. I just want to be happy why is this so hard? Not even happiness 24/7 but rather content honestly.
Life is really treating me well honestly but my parents block that treatment...
Ok I am being harsh on them, they provided me with everything. I guess I am just broken.
My depression, suicidal thoughts, anti-social behavior, and anxiety: really broken.
I had a lot more to say but my memory got foggy and I can’t those into words. If anyone actually read this I am sorry, I hope it didn’t trigger you in any way. I am not gonna commit suicide, not today at least so dw.
Goodnight :)
End of thread
Goodnight :)
End of thread
I can’t put*
