1/...Now watching Zulu on @NOWTV I'll and update it for you in a 2020 version.

2/..Some British chaps in Africa appear to have had a run in with the Natal branch of #BLM. It hasn't gone well, the #BLM have looted the British armoury and they're rather chuffed with themselves as they've now been handed lots of rifles by the dead British chaps.

3/..To celebrate their victory, the #BLM chaps are now going to do some noncy marriage dancing with some teenage girls.

*pauses to admire some young black boobies*

Some Swedish #LibDems don't appear to be too happy about the situation

4/...King Lammy of the Zulus is a very proud chap. He's not happy with just beating the British chaps at Isandlwana, he's now keen to loot the Walmart branch at Rorke's Drift too

5/... Meanwhile at Rorke's Drift, Capt Chard is helping the locals to build a bridge. Despite having lived there for several thousand years, the #BLM chaps have been unable to master building bridges, roads, housing or anything else. Probably apartheid or something??

6/...Capt Bromhead has just rocked up - he's jolly posh. Captain Chard's an Engineer, he thinks Bromhead's a prick. Now some Welshmen have turned up for a bit of social stereotyping. "No Sir, he's a baritone"

7/.. Some white men have turned up on horseback, apparently they self-identify as Africans - quite sickening. It looks like the local #BLM gang are on their way and it could get rather tasty. The Swedish #LibDems have just turned up to inform them that 'God' isn't happy.

8/...Bromhead thinks that Chard's an oik. Chard thinks that Bromhead's mother and sister are the same person. The Swedish #LibDem tells them that King Lammy isn't too happy and is on his way to do some stabby things to them.

9/...A Welshman is molesting some cattle - just like back home in Bala. Now he's heading to the hills to do some singing - sickening stereotyping.

10/...Capt Bromhead wants to ride out into the hills to teach Johnny Foreigner a jolly good, trousers down, six of the best lesson. Capt Chard thinks that he's a dick and wants to build a castle to see off #BLM that way. The Swedish #LibDems are still FEWMIN

11/...Private Hook's a malingerer and would probably have voted for Jeremy Corbyn. He doesn't like soldiering and secretly wishes that he was a trade union leader and could blow a whistle and call everyone out. "Wolfie Hook"

12/....More sickening racial stereotyping of some Welshmen: Jones 693, Jones 744, Jones 634, etc etc.......naturally I've reported this.
More white chaps self-identifying as Africans have rocked up - cowardly swines. They ride off

13/...The #LibDems are seriously pissing everyone off now - as usual. Capt Chard's pissed on their bonfire and trashed their wheels - Brixton style. The #LibDem lady (owner of 16 cats) has taken it particularly badly. Private Hook thinks that she needs a good 'seeing to'

14/...CSM Bourne steps up to the plate. What a splendid chap, what a splendid moustache. If CSM Bourne was alive now he'd probably be the lead singer in a Village People tribute act and would go by the name of Alison on the weekend.

15/...The Swedish #LibDem chap has found a stash of the "Devil's Spunk" in the chapel - this won't end well. He appears to be rather 'over-shirazed' and quite emotional.

16/...Meanwhile the #BLM chaps have appeared on the hill and are looking for some new Nikes in the Rorke's Drift branch of Foot Locker. CSM Bourne has switched the store CCTV on and is having none of it. King Lammy is on the hill directing operations

17/....Capt Bromhead has just utter some awfully imperialistic stuff and quite frankly I'm appalled. They're now shooting at Will - I doubt any of the #BLM chaps are actually called Will, but they're getting shot anyway. The Welshmen are stereotyping again.

18/...The Swedish #LibDem is now completely off his tits and has TWOC'd a horse and cart. His daughter's clearly gagging for it amongst all those Squaddies but has been forced to go with him - Pte Hook's gutted. More #BLM have been shot

19/..."De 'orns of da buffalo" - the #BLM chaps will stop at nothing for that fresh pair of Nike Air Jordans. Now they're using captured British rifles in a display of quite shocking cultural appropriation. FFS, imagine if a British soldier had thrown a spear !!

20/...Welshmen are popping their clogs left, right and centre now - this isn't good. Will's been shot about 200 times now. Poor Will. CSM Bourne's teaching Johnny Foreigner a proper lesson - he thinks it's Friday night on Haringey High Street

21/...It's like Chelsea v Millwall c1980 now - but with fewer knives. Capt Chard's like my Mother-in-law - impossible to f*ckin kill. "Damn you Chard, damn you butchers". Capt Bromhead thinks it's a game of rugger on The Close, Hooky's playing dice.

22/...The #BLM chaps are now getting close to the mother lode of trainers in the regimental hospital but Hook's having none of it until his Union convener has conducted a ballot.

23/..."Front rank fire, rear rank fire". More imperialistic crimes, quite frankly I'm appalled. It's like an 18th century battle of Orgreave.

24/...A brief respite whilst the Welshmen do some more stereotyping about bass baritones...or something?? Ramparts are now being reinforced - which sounds terribly butch. #BLM are on the march again, but have been trodden on by some far-right cattle. Shocking

25/....Hooky's turned into a Tory and decided to do a bit of work off his own back. Black chaps are now getting burnt alive, it's almost as though Winnie Mandela herself was at the battle - but without the rubber tyres.

26/... Now the entire place has gone up like a French cathedral. Hooky's found the drinks cabinet and is being very British about things. The #BLM chaps are in two minds - stand and fight or eat the rampaging cattle. Decisions decisions......

27/....It's dark now, or as the @EveningStandard report always says: "The wrong place at the wrong time". The British chaps are rather fatigued having not had a beer all day, I empathise having once spent two days without a drink.

28/...It's dawn on day two and the #BLM chaps are still in desperate need of new footwear. Capt Chard is determined that they'll spend another day in just their little cotton socks.

29/.... Wait !! What sorcery is this? The #BLM have decided that they don't want the Nike Air Jordan after all and the British chaps can step down the door security detail.
Men of Harlech rings out down Haringey High St and the day is won. #RuleBritannia