Thread by @pinanditowahyu, I feel like I wanna write something, but this time it's not [...]

I feel like I wanna write something, but this time it's not about movie review. It's more like... a review about my feelings these past couple months I had after graduation.

I feel like... I've been lonely. Not in a way that I don't have companion. I mean, sure I have a beautiful girlfriend that always available for me 24/7, I have some of the best friends that many people might not have, and also a very supportive parents.

So, it's like it was another kind of loneliness, deep inside. It's an artificial loneliness.

I think it's a normal thing that happened to a graduate boy who don't have a job and don't know what to do after college life. All the insecurities, all the high hopes about future life and all that dreams that might never come true.

I experienced it all at the same time.

A month after graduation, after a failed interview with some companies HR and unsuccessful application for jobs, I decided to make a business with my colleagues. Using some of my 4 year savings and some money I borrowed from my parents, that business finally comes true.

It's been weeks since I worked it on like a madness man to make sure this coffee shop could open at the end of August. 3 days gone, and I finally realize, I haven't been grateful all my life.

I mean, I feel like I've sacrifice everything for this business, worked it on like crazy. These past weeks full of sleepless night that I couldn't even remember what's the last movie I watch, or what's the last thing I do in RDR2.

I realize that after you start to get a job, or working on some freelance, or do anything that making money, your life, as you know it, might gone.

I miss to go home at night and go to bed, without thinkin about cleaning the bar table. I miss sitting in my chair scrolling to my film collection and picking the right time to watch them. I miss going to my girlfriend's house and do nothing except staring at her.

I miss playing games, picking the right player for my career mode, or maybe buy some medicine to increase Arthur's health bar, or just simply riding my horse through Valentine. I miss taking cigarettes at night and listening to Hindia's song. I miss literally everything.

And I realize those things that I missed are actually unproductive, and to be productive, what does it cost?

Everything.

I wish I knew these things before I start to work. I wish I've been grateful for all those unproductive times, because it was priceless.

I thought after the business running I would feel more alive. I was wrong. I realize that I feel more alive when I don't have nothing to do.

So for my friend who still haven't get a job yet, and still living with your parents, please enjoy the process. You might feel like a trash, doesn't have money, and unproductive, but deep inside it might be the healthiest times for your heart to breathe.

I think there's ultimately a pretty obvious answer why all these things create these feelings, at least for me. I feel alive once, when there's no checklist, there's nothing to do, no one's told you to do something, no, no thoughts about "What am I doing?" in a general sense.

What we really need is a space without objectives, time without a timer, It's startling to not be told what to do in a medium that basically created to gives us things to do.

What's left is... me. How I relate to the world not a as a tools to accomplish things and achieve things, but only as a thing living in this planet.

Go hiking with your friends, go to a concert with your girlfriend, give instagram a little time to get to know itself.

This thread might sounds like a 7 different of negatives, but I couldn't be more grateful for the space I've had. A reminder that you don't always need people to give directions, don't always need to calculate how much money you need to get to buy a house in the future.

Things don't have to be constantly happening to remind you of being alive.

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