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I feel like I wanna write something, but this time it& #39;s not about movie review. It& #39;s more like... a review about my feelings these past couple months I had after graduation.
I feel like... I& #39;ve been lonely. Not in a way that I don& #39;t have companion. I mean, sure I have a beautiful girlfriend that always available for me 24/7, I have some of the best friends that many people might not have, and also a very supportive parents.
So, it& #39;s like it was another kind of loneliness, deep inside. It& #39;s an artificial loneliness.
I think it& #39;s a normal thing that happened to a graduate boy who don& #39;t have a job and don& #39;t know what to do after college life. All the insecurities, all the high hopes about future life and all that dreams that might never come true.
I experienced it all at the same time.
I experienced it all at the same time.
A month after graduation, after a failed interview with some companies HR and unsuccessful application for jobs, I decided to make a business with my colleagues. Using some of my 4 year savings and some money I borrowed from my parents, that business finally comes true.
It& #39;s been weeks since I worked it on like a madness man to make sure this coffee shop could open at the end of August. 3 days gone, and I finally realize, I haven& #39;t been grateful all my life.
I mean, I feel like I& #39;ve sacrifice everything for this business, worked it on like crazy. These past weeks full of sleepless night that I couldn& #39;t even remember what& #39;s the last movie I watch, or what& #39;s the last thing I do in RDR2.
I realize that after you start to get a job, or working on some freelance, or do anything that making money, your life, as you know it, might gone.
I miss to go home at night and go to bed, without thinkin about cleaning the bar table. I miss sitting in my chair scrolling to my film collection and picking the right time to watch them. I miss going to my girlfriend& #39;s house and do nothing except staring at her.
I miss playing games, picking the right player for my career mode, or maybe buy some medicine to increase Arthur& #39;s health bar, or just simply riding my horse through Valentine. I miss taking cigarettes at night and listening to Hindia& #39;s song. I miss literally everything.
And I realize those things that I missed are actually unproductive, and to be productive, what does it cost?
Everything.
Everything.
I wish I knew these things before I start to work. I wish I& #39;ve been grateful for all those unproductive times, because it was priceless.
I thought after the business running I would feel more alive. I was wrong. I realize that I feel more alive when I don& #39;t have nothing to do.
I thought after the business running I would feel more alive. I was wrong. I realize that I feel more alive when I don& #39;t have nothing to do.
So for my friend who still haven& #39;t get a job yet, and still living with your parents, please enjoy the process. You might feel like a trash, doesn& #39;t have money, and unproductive, but deep inside it might be the healthiest times for your heart to breathe.
I think there& #39;s ultimately a pretty obvious answer why all these things create these feelings, at least for me. I feel alive once, when there& #39;s no checklist, there& #39;s nothing to do, no one& #39;s told you to do something, no, no thoughts about "What am I doing?" in a general sense.
What we really need is a space without objectives, time without a timer, It& #39;s startling to not be told what to do in a medium that basically created to gives us things to do.
What& #39;s left is... me. How I relate to the world not a as a tools to accomplish things and achieve things, but only as a thing living in this planet.
Go hiking with your friends, go to a concert with your girlfriend, give instagram a little time to get to know itself.
This thread might sounds like a 7 different of negatives, but I couldn& #39;t be more grateful for the space I& #39;ve had. A reminder that you don& #39;t always need people to give directions, don& #39;t always need to calculate how much money you need to get to buy a house in the future.
Things don& #39;t have to be constantly happening to remind you of being alive.
