CW: CSA, rape

GC insisted that cis women don't assault trans people. I pointed out that the first person who raped me was a cis woman.

The GC accused me of lying and being a pedo. For being raped as a child, her pronouncement was that I'm the villain.

https://twitter.com/daenerysXXborn/status/1299454395877388289?s=20

I constantly debate sharing the story of that assault, vacillating between a need to have a conversation about it, and a fear of it being ammunition for hate groups.

A woman I was close to as a small child violently turned on me when I told her I was a girl.

I spent a lot of time with my grandmother when I was very young. Both because both of my parents worked, and because I didn't feel safe admitting who I was to my father while my grandmother seemed to support my first, timid gender exploration.

My grandmother was a beautician and she'd take me with her to the beauty parlor. The other women would encourage me to explore and my grandmother allowed that.

Then on Christmas Eve when I was 5, a few hours before the whole family's annual party, she found me in her bathroom trying on her makeup.

Maybe it was because family was arriving and she expected more social conformity the more people were around, or maybe it was because a threshold was crossed where she moved from indulgent to suspicious.

But she castigated me for it. Shamed me for trying on her makeup.

I tried to rally and told her what I'd been wanting to say for a year: I told her I wasn't a boy.

CW: violence

She exploded in rage. She lunged at me. Seized me by the wrist, knocked her favorite makeup mirror off the counter and broke it. She hauled me by my wrist into the air, and flung me into the bathtub and ordered me to wash that sin off my face.

She turned on the cold water and hissed abuse at me under her breath. How could I abuse her trust like that and so on.

I was crying, but I tried to explain to her that I was a girl.

CW: violence, homophobic slur

That made her angrier. She threw me face down over the side of the tub, called me a "f**got", told me I was an affront to God. That I was dangerous and evil.

CW: CSA, rape

And she said if I wanted to be a girl, I'd better get used to what she was going to do to me, because it would be all I was good for. And that I only had myself to blame.

Then she raped me, using her finger.

She told me I would grow up to do this to others, and that if I tried to be something else, this was all I had to look forward to. And as an affront up God, I'd deserve it.

When she finished, she ordered me to clean myself up and left. And I had to come back out and join the family and smile and pretend I was fine for everyone. While I was utterly empty inside.

I was subjected to corrective rape, assault and psychological abuse for being a trans girl, and it was so devastating that I put it away into a box and zombied through life for 40 years, never letting myself remember who I was.