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Its time for me to self reflect and also talk about myself for funsies, basically just this threads gonna be me rambling. Its not even a vent im just in my feelings rn
I used to be so kind. Like. As a child i had very obvious anxiety, and i used to have to take care of my dad and my mom sat on the couch and smoked and typed on her computer (to my knowledge lmao thats what my dad said anyways) which has lead to my general dislike of smoking lol
And apparently my mom tried to breastfeed me when she very much couldnt, and my dad thinks thats why i have such a hard time letting go of bodyfat, bc i was starved as a baby bc my mom was in denial
Anyways i used to be kind and my hair used to be bright blonde and i used to be a gullible little doormat and now im this weird like. Hybrid of ‘fat curly haired sidekick in a coming to age movie’ and ‘therapy friend’ which has seriously fucked me up
There are so many parts of my memory that are lost. Im like a sorta fucked up puzzle, i can see what the picture is but there are pieces lost and a couple random pieces and its so hard to remember what i used to be like. Was i a happy kid? Was i smart? Was i shy?
I went from a kind little blond kid, then i was an asshole who would be spiteful because i was trying to cope with tremendous amounts of depression and anxiety. Then ive been fluctuating as i try to find a balance between those two states. Its hard.
I used to think i had a single purpose. I used to think that if i didnt help people i might as well just die. I resigned myself to that role, to being the forgotten support and the uncredited and this fucked me up and also i was in elementary school when i was like this lmao
I used to have a theory that people were like raindrops and the world was a puddle. This is gonna get existential btw. But that as a person fell from the clouds they got bigger, they did more things and they acted on more and so when they fell they made a ripple
The bigger the ripple, the more important you are. The more you affected people. The more memorable you were. I was so scared of being buried in history and being trampled over by bigger ripples. It still scares me. I dont think anybody wants to be forgotten.
There was more to this, i could spend hours talking about this when i was younger, about how i was less important than anyone else. Ive forgotten most of it. Ive been thinking about it recently though. A bit more than i should, i think
If that was existential then this next bit is just fucked up btw
But i really am not much, am i? I think about how people think about me a lot. Do people think about me? Do the old friendgroups think of me like i think about them? What was my impact on them? How bug is my ripple?
I know its not big. Im not going to be remembered for much. When i die, when those who love me die, i will be a name on a gravestone and little else. Im not sure whether or not im okay with that yet
It’s comforting and agonizing. (Tw for bad sexual decisions and stuff with minors, its ickie)
I mean, i used to have a twitter where i posted nudes in an attempt to make an impact. Hey! If some chubby chasers remember me as that pic on their phone, thats more than before, isnt it?
Dw, ive since deleted all of that. But still. Even if that was fucked up and bad on so many levels, it still makes me more memorable. It means i wont be forgotten as quickly, at least. Im not gonna pull some wild innovation thatll put me in the news, thats certain
Thinking about this, it makes me want to blow up. It makes me want to seriously fuck something up. It makes me want to take a sledgehammer and tear down walls, it makes me want to hurt people i love. It makes me want to set fires and fuck stuff up
Warbin for self harm, but it makes me want to hurt myself again. Im not gonna kill myself with a couple cuts, im just making some marks that ill deal with later. Dw im all safe and everything but like. FUCK nothing matters huh??
I dont think ita normal to think constantly about how inconsequential everything is. Also end of thread but one last fucked up thing about me is that i had a crush on charles entertainment cheese as a child and held a fake wedding
