tw // aphobia, internalised aphobia
Do you know what's the worst part of the internalised -phobia part of sexualities?
It's the different types of emotional pain and the intensity in which it manifests.

In my case its aphobia.
The first one I experienced is intense self-loathing.
The feeling that first came to me.
A complete rejection and doubt of whatever I feel (or don't in my case).The need to be someone else.Anyone else thinking anything else is better than this.Than me.

The other type is the pain that comes in waves. You don't expect it and you can't control it as much the first one.
It hides in the little things. Something someone says, something you see on tv.
And it's considered "normal" to everyone else but you.

And you know it's normal too but you've never felt it. You just agree that's how people feel. Like physics. You don't see it but you believe that's how the world works. So you replay these thoughts over and over. Its more of a shock wave than intense pain.

All in all I wanted to express my self with this thread because we aspecs are people and feel. A lot. We're not robots or in need of help. I thought coming out would be easier for me to accept who I am but like everything in life it never is.