tw // aphobia, internalised aphobia
Do you know what& #39;s the worst part of the internalised -phobia part of sexualities?
It& #39;s the different types of emotional pain and the intensity in which it manifests.

In my case its aphobia.
The first one I experienced is intense self-loathing.
The feeling that first came to me.
A complete rejection and doubt of whatever I feel (or don& #39;t in my case).The need to be someone else.Anyone else thinking anything else is better than this.Than me.

The other type is the pain that comes in waves. You don& #39;t expect it and you can& #39;t control it as much the first one.
It hides in the little things. Something someone says, something you see on tv.
And it& #39;s considered "normal" to everyone else but you.

And you know it& #39;s normal too but you& #39;ve never felt it. You just agree that& #39;s how people feel. Like physics. You don& #39;t see it but you believe that& #39;s how the world works. So you replay these thoughts over and over. Its more of a shock wave than intense pain.

All in all I wanted to express my self with this thread because we aspecs are people and feel. A lot. We& #39;re not robots or in need of help. I thought coming out would be easier for me to accept who I am but like everything in life it never is.