#Thread. I’ve been thinking about what has changed since I discovered I’m #autistic. The most significant development is I now have an explanation for what previously seemed inexplicable. Understanding #autism offers a way of reframing, reinterpreting and reconciling things.
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The one big thing that made me seek #autism #assessment aged 58 was things going well at work, then beginning to unravel. I’ve had a successful, enjoyable career, but sometimes I was bullied or abused. My uncanny knack for uncovering dodgy dealings also derailed several jobs.
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Most of my colleagues seemed more tolerant of moral ambiguity than I was. In situations where I left jobs rather than collude with things that appeared wrong, they usually managed to stay put, protecting salaries and final salary pension schemes, and preserving career status.
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I had felt compelled to explain to colleagues why racist jokes were offensive. I had intervened when junior colleagues were bullied, knowing I’d almost certainly become a target myself.
The golden handcuffs of having a very good job didn’t constrain me, but I wasn’t sure why.
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The #MeToo movement reawakened personal trauma. I thought I was in a loving relationship with a senior colleague until I discovered I was just one among many. I also experienced a terrible backlash after reporting financial irregularities elsewhere.
Why did this happen to me?
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I was more vulnerable because I didn’t gossip at work. My Casanova colleague had a reputation I only heard about once we were in a relationship. Fortunately someone else who was aware of ‘accounting problems’ told me clearly and directly I was in danger because of what I knew.
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Why did I sometimes uncover things other people had missed? The answer is almost certainly some of them did know, but they decided to look the other way. As a senior manager said early in my career “If I stir up any mud, some of it will stick to me”. Actions have consequences.
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Why couldn’t I go along with things like other people? I wasn’t naive. I’d read the research on adverse outcomes for ‘whistleblowers’. A clinician might see this as rigid autistic thinking - inflexibility. What I saw as clearly wrong was seen in more nuanced terms by others.
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But maybe autistic people have more moral courage because we’re less influenced by what other people think. We’re often treated as deviant outsiders anyway, so perhaps we’re immune to the threat of disapproval or exclusion. I’m still wrestling with complex questions like this.
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I also think about what I’d do differently. Remember those films where help is sought from someone who turns out to be one of the baddies? At the risk of sounding paranoid it’s important to recognise that corruption spreads far and wide. And dishonest people are very devious.
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I don’t regret speaking up or taking action where things that were going on seemed wrong to me. Some people get trapped in abusive situations for long periods of time. I count myself lucky that I always managed to escape, like an insect struggling free from a spider’s web.
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I can’t deny the pain career derailments caused me and other people, but I’ve begun to recognise this was necessary for my psychological survival. If I’d stayed put I might have prospered financially, but this compromise would have been at the expense of my authentic self.
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Although I faced difficulties these don’t detract from my #career successes, which I measure in a particular way. In almost every job I’ve been able to make a difference to other people, to help them achieve something or overcome some of the obstacles that stood in their way.
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Authentic me is #ActuallyAutistic me (I’m tempted to add ‘whatever that means’).
I’m still working out all of the implications. Autism identity work only became a matter of conscious effort for me recently. I continue to reinterpret, reconcile and make peace with my past.
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