late-night thread. been thinking a ton about this thread i put up a few days ago and how enjoyable it was to write. and how it came so easily. and how for so many years of my life people told me all of this knowledge was useless. and how i listened and let it all get to me. https://twitter.com/WellsLucasSanto/status/1298759894527442945

it makes me sad that usefulness is so often tied to how much money something will make you, and yeah knowing random math history doesn't help with a lot of jobs, but i wish i had been more surrounded with folks that reaffirmed i could study what i wanted to study.

a part of me just really likes talking about this stuff, writing on it, communicating and teaching it to others. and it was really nice seeing this thread gain attention from folks and to hear so much positive response to it. but a part of it felt so bad for some reason?

i guess it just made me sad that all i seem to be good at doing lately is write twitter threads, but these things don't translate to much else. i feel guilty that i spend so much time on here, even though i probably shouldn't.

what also surprised me was that this was the first time i put a donate ask at the end of a thread, and... people actually sent me support! enough to help feed me for a few days, so i was able to eat more these days. and it made a world of difference.

i don't know if people want to be individually named, but to each person who donated, thank you so so so much. these funds literally helped me go from one meal to two these days. but a part of me still feels so guilty from getting this money from folks i don't get myself

anyways, i just... wish i could do more writing, do more informing, do more to talk to people and let them hear about all these things i find so interesting. but i have no idea how to turn that into an actual job, and i keep remembering people telling me to stop dreaming