I usually don’t get this personal. Especially on Twitter (of all the places to do it). But it’s one of those things where you just want to be heard, you know? No expectations, not looking for answers, just want to be heard. So here’s me thread:

All this time in quarantine has made it impossible to distract myself from how my mind works. #adhd that’s been untreated for 20 years. The effect it’s had on my jobs, my relationships, how I view people around me, how hard it has become to trust those people.

I have ideas. And energy. And impulses to do all of it. And it doesn’t make sense to a lot of folks. More often though, people just find it exhausting. Because it is. I can be. Very. It wears folks down. Tires them out. They try to know me, but it can be a lot.

Some folks just bow out. Some straight up ghost me. And sometimes? I feel like it MIGHT happen, so I burn it all to the ground before they have a chance to make me feel like a stray animal in their lives. Because often times, that’s how it feels around people.

I’ve activated the self-destruct on relationships because of this. 9/10 it was pure terror/knee jerk self-defense. Because I couldn’t deal with letting someone get inside, only to observe them gradually realize they wanted a refund.

Some of those relationships were innocent. Collateral damage in my war of wanting to feel “normal”. After all, if I destroy it then THEY’RE the ones who aren’t good enough... that’s how that works, right? I’ll behave how folks have treated me. That’s what normal is, right?

There is so much about me that is text book #adhd. But the part that hurts, is the side of me I’ve only just started noticing. It’s the side that’s tried to cover it up. The side that’s just assumed the reason why I can’t get it together, like my peers, is because I’m an idiot.

And so I treat myself like a fool. And I apologize for myself every time I speak, every time I walk into a room. I find a way, one way or the others to make sure everyone knows that I know what they’re thinking and. I agree: I don’t belong in here.

And because of that, many of them start to believe it. Even some of my closest friends these past years. And they aren’t to blame. If you walk into a room, apologizing for yourself? People will believe you. Whether they know it or not.

#Neurodiversity, #adhd- I’m learning about it for the first time. I’ve had it all my life. I was praised for testing into the top 2% and called a “genius”, then placed in spec ed and bullied by strangers and even friends. I’ve grew up thinking I deserved it.

Into my adult life, every time someone would peace out, exclude me, etc, was affirming how defective I am. And I would never stand up for myself. Because I “knew that they were right”. So what is the point to all this?

Like I said. I just wanted to say it. I just wanted to be heard. I just wanted to acknowledge that I’m seeing how I’ve treated myself. How I’ve allowed myself to be treated. I just wanted to say that there’s nothing wrong with me. That I’ve got nothing to apologize for.

And if you’re someone like me that’s been moving through life, near a bunch of people who insist that they struggle too, yet you’re watching them hold down a job or a relationship or buy a house or do basic shit that you can’t seem to get right (and so you feel even WORSE)

You’re not alone. You’re not. We’re everywhere. And there’s nothing WRONG with you. There’s not. We got different LEGO pieces than other folks. And yeah, they likely ARE struggling. But with their own pieces.

Anyway. I don’t have anything more to say. I’m just hoping this makes it a little easier to go to sleep tonight.