I walked in on Altima holding a marker in one hand and his older sister's new doll in the other.

Me: "Hey bud, whatcha doing?"

Altima: "Can you leave?"

Me: "I think we both know I can't do that."

Thing is, Altima really looks just like me, so I'm instinctively each time like 'Altima this is inappropriate behavior' but in my head I'm thinking 'They just don't understand you, you're not a bad kid, I understand you.'

Brief story. When I was Altima's age I was put in nursery school. We had nap time and the bathroom was down the hall. I asked to go to the bathroom during nap time. I waited until the teacher assigned to watch the door was looking away, and I bolted like a bat outta hell +

Now you have to understand, this was a very large building/campus--nursery school through eighth grade. I ran down the long hall, down another one, up and down staircases until I reached another wing entirely. I crouched behind a water fountain.

Why there? My mom was substitute teaching in the classroom across from the water fountain. But I didn't run into her class, I just sat there in hiding. Unfortunately, I was discovered. They dragged me back to the other wing of the building to nursery class. So I plotted

I asked to go to the bathroom again. My permit was denied. I asked again repeatedly until, for some reason, the idiot teachers let me. They were watching the door of the bathroom reaaaal close. But I was like 'no way I'm every going back inside.' Operation Shawshank continued.

Eventually the teachers switched places, like a changing of the guard. I saw my opportunity to make them regret ever trusting me, and boom I ran again. They must've felt so stupid. Good--I did not respect ppl who underestimated me at that age.

Anyway off I go again, to the same spot in the other wing behind that water fountain. But this time--plot twist! My older sister, who was in kindergarten, came to the water fountain to get a drink. She stands on her toes and suddenly sees her brother crouched behind the fountain.

What does she do? Turn me in? My sister ain't no narc, even at age 5. So she takes my hand and walks me back to her kindergarten classroom. Tells the teacher, 'this is my brother,' and takes me to her desk and seats me right next to her. Once again, much love to big sisters.

I imagine the place was going nuts, and my mom must've been soooo mad--she was in the building teaching and they're like 'so here's the thing, Mrs. Mandel.' Anyway obviously the K teacher alerted the authorities that there was a 3yo refugee in her class and he might be armed.

They told my mom, my mom told my bubby, and bubby showed up at some point to my sister's classroom asking to take the runaway into her custody. My mom asked her to take me home--or maybe the school wanted me to go home--but either way I was getting out.

What does my bubby do? She does what bubbies everywhere would do in that situation. She takes me to McDonald's for a happy meal.

Bubbies always have your back.

Anyway I guess all I'm trying to say is that Altima's my kid and he rules.