guess who's never seen AVENGERS: ENDGAME (2019)
(thread)

watching on my tv, typing on my wireless keyboard, fidgeting with my phone.

am rapidly remembering that I'm an extremely fidgety person. might need to grab me knitting. this may or may not mean I tweet less and spare you all.

film runtime: 03:01:09
total film seen so far: 00:00:38

knitting acquired.
haven't the foggiest idea what this project is... it starts with like an inch of navy 1k1p rib, and then switches to lilac stockinette? but lilac is a gud color.

might even watch a film while I'm at it

TIL Ctrl+Enter sends tweet?
Why are keyboard shortcuts and hotkeys secrets we gotta quest for?

might even unpause the movie now that mouse is no longer (as) mission-critical to jotting these thoughts.

..............that opening upset me.

but when did they even go to space

I know it's been at least a literal year since I watched Infinity War (to which I was also late), but. I remember Wakanda. not the wild inaccurate greens of space. I assume this is an In Medias Res thing but. why

and why isn't there a keynav shortcut shown on hover seriously this is basic user interface stuff
(sorry, having a twitter thoughts)

oop. you know what I never saw? Captain Mar-vell.

I suspect it will be Fine. also I want you to know that when she appeared my brain provided babby anakin ARE YOU AN ANGEL and I giggled.

"I lost the kid" WHAT IS HAPPENING maybe I DON'T remember the end of Infinity War

in light of current events -- I appreciate, deeply, how gaunt, how wasted Tony Stark looks.

I am also pausing the movie to write a list of keyboard shortcuts on my whiteboard brb

there isn't a way to rapid-keynav to "add another tweet" while outside the last tweet you wrote OR to get to the + new tweet in this thread. And if you wanna tab your way to the latter? best be done with the prior tweet, mate, because THE TWEET ENTRYFIELD ISN'T IN THE TAB ORDER

tony stark and I both having a bit of a melty nbd

OH JEEZ, so if you accidentally overshoot and cycle the tab order with 2 tweets in the chamber, tab order now includes the PRIOR TWEET'S ADD MEDIA. BUT NOT TEXT EDITING. what.... what a weird UI.

also do not try to use tab stops to get to the "add another tweet" button. just. just don't. save urself.

going back to the film, I remembered finally that lol yes they were indeed on a different planet, tony and peter and doc strange were. like i said it's been a year.

still don't remember why tony has a reactor on his chest when the end of IM3 was specifically to... undo... that??

film runtime: 03:01:09
total film seen so far: 00:12:09

focusing on cap during the jump is a nice touch. that they immediately made overly obvious by having him stare at peggy. but what can ya do.

eeeeew thanos is all dumbledore-with-the-horcrux-y

this is really, deeply, truly like a pro wrestling bit------

THOR WHAT, EXCUSE ME????

THE BATHOS

THIS SLOWCRAWL OF
FIVE
YEARS
LATER

IS NOT MAKING IT LESS BATHETIC

sorry y'all I uh. like. I needed a moment. and uh. not for the reasons the directors probably hoped I would.

what was that. what WAS that.

see my problem isn't even with what Thor did, because it was solidly foreshadowed (thorshadowed? thorshaowed.)

It's because the confrontation scene UP TO THAT POINT feels like they're talking to Stone Cold Steve Austin in the wrestling ring.

it was paced like pro wrestling, something that one of the target demographics (children) understand resolves in a specific way.

and then subverts it for the other target demo (adults who want REAL STAKES)

but it just feels ridiculous as an adult. and idk maybe upsetting as kid

cheap heat is cheap heat

this is like... cheap deep

on the subject of cheap deep, this establishing scene of a support group when it's been five years.

I've also never seen either Ant-Man film

doesn't matter. Paul Rudd is selling this.

wrestling terms gonna keep coming up

whales in the hudson? sorry no.

I was gonna comment on Natasha's hair looking wretched and then I realized that they're establishing she's a natural redhead and isn't taking care of herself / hasn't cut hair in five years and

:(

gotta say, the cast is sincerely selling "going mad from various isolation"

TONY STARK GOT TO BE A DAD
MY HEART.

pretty annoying that they open the timeskip by declaring that moving on is difficult yet essential.
that Tony Stark actually DOES THE THING
TONY STARK. OF ALL THE PEOPLE. HUNG UP THE CAPE.

and they are doing this.

and it's presented as him being A Jerk for not participating. gross.

mellow hulk
mellow hulk
mellow hulk

(puzzled) what is the visual difference between a mobius strip and an *inverted* mobius strip? I wasn't seein' it. like if someone can show me some side by sides I'd be down.

this movie is promoting unhealthy ideas about coping with grief and I really, really do not appreciate it.

which must be why they gave us this time travel "funny" scene.

sorry, joy is lost on me when im not watching shitty thriller movies, can't enjoy True Cinema like this at the full level it was meant to be loved, apparently.

Tessa!!

that's the tweet

tubby thor!!!
defending my man Korg!!

ok but like. real talk tubby thor is a concept I immediately buy for 5 years later. :(

Banner gently Thor to let go of him, with such warm pity animated into his eyes

undercut by the subtitles making sure that I know that it is SMART HULK who's speaking, as;djflja;skdjf;

not enough leisure suits on these gangsters, in the tokyo scene

OH I SPOKE TOO SOON, ONE OF THEM IS

how was homie talking clearly through a slit throat/nicked artery situation

also those onscreen subs were not aesthetically pleasing. peak anti-shoutout to
<i><u>WE</u> hurt people?</i>

YO SICK TATTOO CLINT

"changing the past doesn't change the future"
then uhhhhhh why are we doing this (confused)

also mellow hulk's explanation did not help me but I sure was typing through it. so.

(sigh)
Avengers: Endgame is grief porn.

I haven't explicitly stated that up to this point. but sending Clint Barton back to his family's home and showing him sobbing over a glove, ripping him out of spacetime he he only hears but can't see his family....

this is grief porn.

film runtime: 03:01:09
total film seen so far: 01:02:30

(doing that partly to orient y'all, partly to orient me if I look back at this thread later. partly because I was probably right when I told a friend watching this film will take me the whole day.)

they're recapping a lot of skipped films lmao

I love though that Natasha is actually
- taking pen/paper notes
- paying enough attention to observe that half of the target objects are in one slice of spacetime loaf

"spacetime loaf" isn't a metaphor they use but it's one I learned in astronomy 101 that imo is useful when trying to visualize the fourth dimension

(everything existing alongside you is in your same "slice" of time. also useful for explaining entropy if you include raisins)

starting to think Natasha's bad hair was actually thought to be an ombre Look
yikes lmao

TILDA SWINTON!

the interplay of "thor is drunk" shenanigans and "thor is really devastated that his mom died" is

thanks Rocket

side note but was Chris Hemsworth's eye intentionally blown out in that scene or? it was practically brown with "popped blood vessel"

pissy sibling rivalry time is cute -- was this part of GOTG? or is this new for this film?
oh thank you film for immediately answering my question.

ELEVATOR SCENE REDUX

HAHA HOLY SHIT LOKI YEETED

CAP V CAP
uh dude why did you throw your shield
that's so much glass

good to know no paradox explosion on them touching.

I really don't see why Tilda's explanation to Bruce was so SHOCKING. like. c'mon now.

YASSSS EBONY MAW
I LOVE EBONY MAW OKAY, HE'S RIDICULOUS

poor nebula tho.

thor's dead mom scene.

oh this is grief porn. and lowkey. kinda hurtful briefly. because im never going to have that privilege. to talk to--

this isn't fair. im crying a little for reasons that the movie stole from me, didn't truly build from itself.

okay but mjolnir scene was........ Good.

EW NEBULA GROSS WHY
YOUR WETWARE COMPONENTS
THOSE AREN'T FREE BUDDY

lmaooooooo at Thanos and his utter indifference at getting his head chopped off

"you trust me?"
"I do"

lol the tony/steve shippers being fed

ok but why did Tony have 70s appropriate glasses in his pocket

wow. wow we're really doing paternal grief porn a second time???

WOW STEVE JUST FUCKING
OF ALL THE OFFICES, PEGGY'S?
ARE YOU SHITTING ME

JARVIS was their chauffeur!! awwwwwwwww

(tired sigh at the past thanos thing)

oh right, red skull lives on the mountain. was....... that ever Explained? wacky shit, honestly.

*purses lips angrily*
this is the final resolution of the best platonic relationship in the MCU, isn't it.

also this mutual suicidality is crappy nonsense. I don't like any of this.

movie really saying "these two are worthless because their love arcs are currently over, so either can die"

did they just
fucking fight each other
over who gets the privilege of dying

this is ugly.

GRIEF PORN.

and i bet he won't even harvest her pym pod whatever thing.

ugh.

and this is how I reacted to Gamora in Infinity War, by the way.

I can look up the tweet later but yea.

hmm timecheck, before mellow hulk attempts a fingersnap and secret past evil Nebula attempts a switcheroo
(this is such a crisis crossover comic book movie)

film runtime: 03:01:09
total film seen so far: 01:59:40

credit where it is due: the film has, very much, kept me sufficiently engaged.

by that I mean, I can tweet while it's playing without missing stuff (it's paused atm, because GAH this is a long film)

wrt knitting, I believe I made exactly one stitch of progress before bagging it.
tweeting is slightly more amusing, and it's easier to do while watching/with film in peripheral vision. also bc this has over time developed as my compulsive way of watching films by myself.

if you want this thread muted, I am not offended and in fact strongly support it lmao

also hydrating while watching long movies is a pro choice. forgot to uncap my water bottle and as a result forgot it was available to drink out of pffffhahaha

okay, gonna stretch, then back in

(looks at thread timestamps)
here at legalist two seventeen we serve only the finest small-batch artisanal movie reaction tweets

the writers: and ultimately it's Natasha, because she doesn't have anything happening in her story arc
me, muffled through the locked door: BECAUSE YOU NEVER GAVE HER ONE
the writers: her death is Just Sad Enough™

ok turning the movie back on

Tony Stark, not really understanding how the fuck anything works: ONLY BRING THEM BACK, NONE OF THAT ONTOLOGICAL INERTIA SHIT

me: are you for fucking real

related note: are they really gonna do this indoors

do they uh. not remember

I suddenly gain respect for current thor for immediately screaming TAKE IT OFF the moment things look even a lil hairy

very unselfish

the beautiful understated way that there are just... suddenly... more birds.

and. the
whiplash.
of hank. taking a missile. straight to the chest.

.....effective.
im. im gonna need to rewind and resee that. hot diggity dang.

gonna. focus on this scene. that was actually as "epic" as this movie swore in its marketing that it'd be.

did they just -- ??? -- did this movie just cross over with that uhh that movie about the underground hellcreatures???

tubby thor standing very ominously.
thanos just sitting
all my dudes just sitting

mfw I realize Chris Hemsworth actually wears this weight the whole film, that it's not a brief joke for him to lightning off

im gonna leave off appending "tubby" bc like. if it's not a one-off joke? I respect it, yo!

was too busy realizing that to hear the first half of whatever bullshit Thanos is talking, but I remember all the hashtaggers back in the day thinking they'd cracked the code on philosophy watching Infinity War, so lemme see this film's hot take monologues

brief aside before I unpause it -- thanos doing all of this to simp for Death is somehow actually a cooler backstory.

The Dark Knight was ten years prior to these films. did we really need another "blue and orange morality BECAUSE YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND HIS ESOTERIC MIND" guy

"you could not live with your own failure" is a weird as hell way to phrase "cope with grief" but go off i guess, thanos, you weird, weird lad

"as long as there are those who remember what was, there will be those who will be unable to accept what can be"

this really is the movie of THIS IS NEWS TO YOU?, innit

(also why didn't he mindstone the remaining half of the population into forgetting, then, the eejit)

nope guess we gotta just "shred this universe down to its last atom"

THE MIND STONE IS RIGHT THERE, YOU DINGBAT

ALSO SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE THE THINGS THAT ARE ATTACKING CLINT, WHERE IS HE, WHAT IS GOING ON

one sec, need to adjust ac to something other than 78F

okeydoke we're back and I suspect we're gonna have some crAzy "will the real slim shady pls stand up" w/ Nebula not wearing her special Good Guy hat thing

timecheck:
film runtime: 03:01:09
total film seen so far: 02:10:43

SURE ENOUGH LOL

oooooh the wetware missing is ACTUALLY USEFUL. (how much you wanna bet evil Neb will---

oh. okay or Nebula killed her past self.
that's.
that happened.

ok this fight scene is v busy and hyperkinetic gotta focus a sec

thor is dual wielding hammer and hammeraxe
no i don't know what mjolnir's sister is called
never pretended to have detailed nerd cred for thor
the POINT is that this is sick as hell dawg

i don't know what the fuck combo he and tony just pulled off but it was, likewise, sick as hell

yeah just fuckin, line drive the hammer at your opponent

this is chaos, I have the movie paused and am typing mostly to process what I just played twice

btw any of y'all watching this thread (i see the notifs) are welcome to reply with
- name of thor's sick hammeraxe
- technical term for hammeraxe if "hammeraxe" ain't it
- what Thanos's terrifying double saw sword THING is called

me, watching thor get punched in the face: i like his partial updo with the manbun. it is cute.

(thor is lying on the ground bleeding)

me: i should tweet this observation

in case you're wondering, no, I do NOT shut up when I watch movies. not unless I have something to fidget with. (and even then, no promises.)

cinemaphiles hate her!