-a long ass essay about myself as กัปตัน stan-

(EP 2)

//trigger warning

this thread might worsen your mood/day. so pls don't read if u don't need unnecessary feelings

tbh idk what to type here lmao

yeah

so...

maybe y'all know me as one of kaptan's fan. Some of you might think i am a freak hardcore fan lmao. Maybe lowkey y'all want to block my loud ass hahaha. sorry beforehand.

bcs maybe u r not wrong. maybe

tbh, kaptan is my escape place from anything unpleasant these days

tweeting about him, make (un)funny jokes about him, looking at his pic from hourly acc, following his updates through multiple platforms, talking about him with my internet friends (you), etc

being one of his fan is my pleasure, really. I learn a lot of things through him and things revolves on him.

but these days, i am requestioning myself, again.

ngl, from the day i decided to follow him until now, i have went through so many *moments* with him.

yea, i count all these virtual experiences as *moments*

idk

but have u just sit down, then think "why am i liking this person so much?"

moreover when u lowkey know that u have a very low chance to meet this person irl?

yea, that feeling is eating me up like sh't atm

and i am not happy with it. not at all

today, i have been noticed by him.

but i feel nothing. just nothing.

funny right?

idk, idk what's wrong with me

but my mind just jinx this moment with :

"Nope, he notices you because it's HIS responsibility. It's not like he wants to know you. He doesn't care about you. this is part of his job. WAKE UP HEIYOSHII"

lmao

and ofc i still have another negative thoughts around me now.

but not gonna spill everything here, because it's exhausting. It's really exhausting to pour out all my feelings into writings.

anther things to add up.

i feel like i have no one to reach, no one to talk with. no one.

even when my following number has increased significantly from the last time i write this long *ss essay.

i feel like i know nobody

i can't talk my negatives feelings to people around me.

my family lowkey underestimate my life right now. i never share my faves with irl friends, so talking to them about these things will be so weird. internet should be a fun place, so i don't want to ruin the fun

but look at me now lmao

that's why i just tweet any positive things to him.

i literally mention his @ on this acc on daily basis. I barely skip.

either from tweeting "good morning/night" or mentioning him though convos with moots

idk

but these days i really can't find the fun in being active on internet lol

i nvr expect him to recognize me. i don't really care. seeing him all good is enough. he is good as he is. i like him just the way he is

i try to fight my thoughts with positive thoughts

but maybe i don't succeed, judging from my current state lol

it's tiring, really. having a mental battle is tiring af

at one point, i start to think about what if i delete this acc

what if

but then all my threads i'd compiled just stop me lmao

so maybe i won't delete this acc, for now

i do think about taking a hiatus, but i just can't stop myself on searching things related to him

like how am i going to live my life if i keep on remembering him when i see daisy pics lamo

maybe i am to dependant to him

yeah

idk, but i can't stop myself from liking him

sometimes, i do think that maybe i will stop liking him one day. idk

maybe when i am married and have kids on my hand lol.

but maybe even when i am a mom, i will still like him lmao

nobody knows about future lmao

but for now, he is very important to me. not only to fulfill my fangirl needs, but my mental support too

i don't understand how can i like him until this point. i nvr meet him irl. i don't know how he looks like irl. but i am so sure that i like him so much.

does it make sense?

my head hurts while thinking about these things lmao

HAHAHAHA I HAVE SO MANY TYPOS AND GRAMMATICAL ERROR

sorry

through him, i also meet so many ppl on internet.

ppl that shares the same interest with me. ppl that also try to balance their life. ppl that trying to hype their faves. ppl that has so many stories to tell.

and i am happy i have the opportunity to be here

for now, i can only try my best to cherish the present moment

there's no use to weep on negative thoughts and bad moments. burdening myself with imaginary difficulties will only make my day worse.

so maybe i only have to embrace present

yea, i need to be thankful with who i am now

I have to feel grateful that I, one of his fan, have so many chances to know him and things revolves around him

I, one of his fan, try my best to hype him with other fans with positive things

yea, so that's all i guess.

finally i can make peace with myself. i learn something new on this EP of long *ss essay i guess lmao

Terima kasih sudah ada dan bertahan