Black family,

Do you have this thing too, where you’re afraid to allow yourself to experience happiness or joy?

Where you either feel that if you allow yourself to experience happiness or joy, you’re too vulnerable and someone or something is going to snatch it away—

—or you feel guilty for feeling happiness or joy because you’re hyper-aware of others in your communities who are not experiencing happiness or joy, and so you feel as though you are not deserving of happiness or joy?

I’ve recently become aware that I’ve lived in a constant state of this my entire life. My best friend and I were talking about it yesterday.

I don’t think I know how to experience happiness or joy for myself, at least not in any way that is sustaining. I have no problem feeling happiness or joy for other people, but for some reason, I can’t allow that grace for myself.

What is that?