I am sad for no reason

Maybe because its weekend and the accumulated daily stress is just now weighing down on me or something

Hmm... I was thinking, often when there is change in life, whether big/small serious/play etc, I will feel nervous.

Some changes are not immediately apparent if it'll be bad/no--I get curious, I want to change but I also dont want to change. I wonder, am I scared of change?

I've honestly always thought that I'm scared of change. I prefer everything to be predictable & old fashioned/ just the way it usually is. But it doesnt explain that I also actually want to try a lot of things, in a lot of fields, serious or play

I realized just now, rather than don't want to change, it's that I've never been taught to handle change.

Change will happen, sometimes expected, sometimes unexpected. Sometimes bring to better things, sometimes worse, sometimes neutral, sometimes just ??? etc

But we're allowed to change. We're allowed to try something. If we end up liking it, it's allowed, if we end up not liking it, it's also allowed. If we want to return to 'old ways', it's also allowed

*I'm not talking about hurting others or putting others at disadvantage

Sometimes change happen in our surroundings. Do we have to change then? Or better question : would it change me?

Sometimes it might & it's better. Sometimes it might & it's worse. Sometimes it might not & it's better, sometimes it might not & it's worse.
Sometimes it's neutral

The fear of change in surroundings is quite normal.

But in my case, I fear (haha) it's aggravated by several factors:

1. My family is shit at boundaries, so enmeshment happened & only recently I was able to force myself off it, even so I'm still living w the remnants

W/ enmeshment, the emotional wellbeing of one person, usually in power (in my case: my mother & father), affects the emotional wellbeing of others. If they're happy, we're happy, if they're upset, either they make everyone upset, or they take it on us (verbally)

As such, I was raised in a way that trained me to be nervous at changes of surroundings--because then I'm expected to change too, with force, to a direction I didn't want, not knowing which direction I actually want or if I want to stay

...actually I dont know if this is a correct explanation, but this is what I feel. Whether it is academically correct or not is not my concern. I'm talking about what I feel.

And also I wrote 'several factors: 1...' but I suddenly forgot what the others were?? ??? What

Wait, where was I going w this?? What was the core point??? sjakksksk

Uhh what what anyway... It's okay to not change even if surroundings is changing, and it's okay too to change with surroundings. If it ends up good it's okay, if it turns out you wanna go back, also okay

OH WAIT I REMEMBER

2. I have always been compared to others, been told to be more x, less y, etc. Even when I do well, there's little to no appreciation, only critics & critics (lookin @ you, ""father""). While my mother--she never seems to have her own opinion

Though she doesn't critic as much as my father does, she lets my father do whatever & doesnt seem to notice if I'm hurting (mentally). So I learn to swallow everything, to chase validation by the course of changing oneself as demanded

This habit adds pressure--when surroundings change, it is perceived as 'demand' therefore 'I must change, no other way' & sadly, ironically, at the same time 'even if I change, I still will not get the appreciation I need'. At the same time, the self still has its own choice

so all these confusing, contradicting vectors (?) pull me to various directions and I just. Cry while I get shredded like shredded mozzarella

(...does this make sense at all? Also sorry for sudden TMI infodump, but this is my real estate and yall can just unfollow or whatevs)

and... And... I dont know if I had other 'factors' in my mind when I wrote 'several' earlier

TL;DR I'm discovering several reasons why it's hard for me to handle change even minimal, even in play/not serious, even expected.

And it's okay to not be okay (is this overused...)

Also this is why I'm rooting for the politician's son in It's Okay to Not be Okay yall!!! Aghhh brother!!

End of thread (or is it?? )