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The story of Chadwick’s diagnosis and how he continued to work and deliver excellent results has inspired me to share my own. Everyone is fighting silent battles you know nothing about, be kind. If you are fighting a silent battle and you despair, this is for you.
So last year I was sick. It was an election campaign and I put it down as just being tired. I would get up every morning, push myself, work hard and come back to wherever I was staying away from home and rest. I didn’t listen to my body, there was work to be done and I did it.
It was so bad that one day I woke up and I could barely walk, I forced myself up, leaned against the walls, showered and went to a march. I was tired but work needed to be done so I worked. It was a march, I walked it, flew home, rested and flew back out the next day.
It was so bad my neck gave in I had to wear a neck brace. My voice was hoarse all year, I went to an ENT and he found nothing wrong. I pushed myself & I continued to work. I did my job, all while at fighting political battles I did not understand why I had to, but I had to & did
In about Sep I was in the US and fell gravely ill I had to be rushed to the hospital. The ER Drs couldn’t figure out what was wrong they thought a stroke and I did an MRI. The MRI found spots on my brain and the suspicion was MS. I was so from home I refused to do anymore tests.
I had to wait for weeks to get an appointment with a neurologist here and in that time I was convinced I was dying, what else do spots on one’s brain mean? I made it through with the love and support of people I will forever be grateful for.
So anyway I finally got an appointment with a neurologist I was so scared my husband had to come with. I was ready to receive news that I was dying but I didn’t let him see this and put on a brave face.
He did some tests and the diagnosis was Functional Neurological Disorder. It is poorly understood but this is the best explanation of what it is. There isn’t a “cure,” in the conventional sense, you live with it and learn how to. It can go into remission. https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/fnd/
So anyway, he insisted that I rest and gave me sick leave for two months. What was tough, still is tough, is accepting that I have a condition in my life I have to control over. I am an A-grade control freak and not having control of my own body is mentally torturous.
I have never been a sickly person. I got sick once a year at most. Now I am sick daily, although at varying intensities. Still, when there is work to be done, I get up and push. I give my all to my work and then crash and be very sick for a few days.
I am learning to pick my battles because I know I do not do half measures. It is all or nothing. I’ve accepted this about me, and I am learning to pick the challenges I want to tackle. I am a person who always has to have a cause, and I am learning to just...be.
I am grateful that I do not have FND at the level others do. Some go blind, lost their ability to walk. I almost daily vertigo. It may sound silly but it is not. I have daily stomach pain. Sometimes my motor functions are affected I have brain fog and struggle to speak.
What this has done is help me accept my own mortality. I know I cannot go for a run, because I know it will result in debilitating vertigo. There are so many things I cannot do anymore and I still struggle accepting that. But I carry on and on other days break down.
So I guess the point of my story is this. Never see someone and think they have it all together, have it figured out and wonder why you cannot. Everyone is fighting silent battles you do not know of. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself.
Sorry for all the typos. 
Oh and this has taught me my strength. But strength is overrated because sometimes I get tired of being strong. I guard my peace of mind jealously, I will ruthlessly cut down anything that threatens it & accept I will be down for a few days but my peace of mind will be intact.
Do you have a song you listen to when times are tough? 2019 was the depths of Hades. All the combined challenges have created a thick AF hide. I know there is nothing that can be thrown my way that’ll break me. Throw a bomb at me, I’ll catch it, disarm it & throw it back at you.
Oh, here’s my song
Sharing this is hard but liberating. I was asked to write an oped about it in Jan & I couldn’t bring myself to write my reality on paper. Thank you for your kind words. I hope I have inspired someone to keep going. And sharing this has made me really dizzy, bye for now
