The self-flagellation of this letter writer is a very good example of how painful a belief in blank slatism can be - it’s not the kind, cosy option https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/aug/28/i-left-my-baby-to-cry-at-night-for-a-week-is-it-my-fault-shes-an-anxious-child

The letter writer has absorbed the idea (not empirically supported) that childhood socialisation is *the* determining factor, and that even small missteps can have lasting and dreadful consequences.

And the reply reinforces that idea:

"a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, and I both wondered about your own childhood and where this super-critical voice originates."

"When we become parents, anything unresolved from our own childhoods can come back."

"Did something happen to you, aged four, just before starting school, that has made you write now?"

"Children learn from the way we treat them, but also the way we treat ourselves... guilt is the enemy of confident parenting. Somehow you need to make peace with your past"

I bet that this very anxious mother will read this and think "oh no! Not only did I harm my daughter by allowing her to cry, I'm now harming her further because I'm so anxious about it!"

The alternative is to say: "you are clearly high in neuroticism, that personality trait is heritable, it's likely that your children will be neurotic too. You could benefit from finding a way of managing your negative emotions and learning what provokes anxiety in you. "

"e.g. do you have other adults in your life who can help you when you're feel anxious? Does your daughter's dad support you? Do you get time to yourself to relax? What's your housing situation like? Have you got a good GP?"

"High neuroticism isn't a catastrophe, but you need to try and arrange your life as far as possible to reduce negative emotions. Don't choose a stressful job if given the option. Try and reduce loneliness by living close to your friends and family."

This seems like both a much more practical and a much kinder response. And yet the idea that personality is stable and heritable is weirdly controversial, despite the huge amount of evidence supporting it. The Freudian emphasis on childhood is the fashionable option.