I want to talk about something I've never shared publicly.

I decided to wear my MTG PRIDE shirt while playing in GP Vegas last year.

One of my opponents took that as an invitation to ask, "So, when did you come out?"

It's never OK to ask someone that in public.

Here's why:

1) First and most importantly, no one owes you their coming out story!

I'm open about my sexuality here because I want to help others.

But I do that on my terms.

Expecting me to share my story on demand is hurtful.

Asking a stranger for intimate life details is aggressive.

2) Coming out isn't always a happy process.

I was blessed with supportive family and friends, and my coming out story is still painful to think about sometimes.

Can you imagine asking that question of someone who was literally thrown out of their house for being gay?

Obviously, I want everyone to be able to safely and comfortably express their sexuality and gender. But even in 2020, LGBTQ people can't count on acceptance.

You have no idea what the person sitting across from you has gone through. So if you don't know them, just don't ask.

3) Wearing a Pride shirt doesn't automatically mean someone is LGBTQ. Allies can wear a Pride shirt too, and that can actually be a very good form of solidarity and support (as long as you back it up with action).

4) Even if you are an LGBTQ person wearing a Pride shirt, you might not be out, or want to be out to everyone!

Respect people's privacy.

At GP New Jersey 2014, for example, I was only out to a subset of the judges there. I had to force myself to ignore my new boyfriend, lest anyone else notice me making eyes at him.

I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was a matter of personal and professional safety.

Magic tournaments are public places, and everyone should treat them as such.

If you ask me about my sexuality, I literally have no idea who could be walking by or listening in, or how they might react if they heard something they didn't like.

The question itself is unsafe.

5) Finally, asking the question in that way reinforces heteronormative ideas about coming out, such as:

- everyone has to come out
- you only come out once (and it's a big deal)
- only LGBTQ people need to come out or explore their gender/sexuality

These are all nonsense.

I am constantly coming out and making decisions about whether to out myself.

Whenever I mention "my boyfriend" at work -- or not.
Whenever we hold hands -- or not.
Whenever I give someone a pass for calling me "gay" -- or correct them and say, "I'm bi."

It's exhausting.

When I sit down to play a game of Magic, all I want is to sling some cardboard.

I just want to be treated like everyone else.

Wearing a certain shirt or being LGBTQ doesn't give anyone an excuse to violate that.

Same for gender. Same for race. All of it.

Just let people play.