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If you pride yourself on your intellect, or wealth, or athletic prowess, a setback is devastating. If you pride yourself on grit/flexibility/empathy, a failure is naturally an opportunity. /1
2/ Some values and life goals naturally lead to unhappiness and stagnation, others naturally lead towards happiness and growth. If your goal is to be a certain level of rich, you're a failure until you attain it, and once you attain it, you're likely to raise the bar.
3/ if your identity is that you're the smartest guy in the room - when you encounter smarter people you'll be chastened rather than invigorated. You'll subconsciously approach the smartest people with fear and defensiveness.
4/ what goals and identities are naturally positive? IMO - grit, curiosity, and empathy. If you pride yourself on grit, every set back is invigorating. Pride yourself on curiosity and every intellectual "embarrassment" is a chance to learn.
5/ Pride yourself on empathy, and every interpersonal conflict or mistake is just the starting point where you expect your skillset and efforts to kick in.
6/ In middle school I prided myself on being the smartest guy in most rooms. By high school, I realized there were smarter people out there, and how unproductive it would be to compete for the "smartest" title with them. Instead, I look to learn from them, and
7/ that attitude helps me be as smart/creative/flexible/knowledgeable as I'm capable of. And as we see often - life isn't a sports contest with narrowly defined rules. Mostly, life doesn't reward us for being the most intrinsically skilled at things, but for *doing* the best.
8/ the best in most fields aren't often those born with the absolute highest natural ability (sure, natural ability helps). It's the people who continuously improve for years, for decades.
9/ I think we have a lot of control over our values and goals. We can consciously shape our self-identities. A bit of this is "fake it until you make it." The identity I try to cultivate for myself both publicly and privately is that of the permanent student. It's aspirational.
