So today I finally restarted taking my adderall after months of being off it due to fear of my doctor, and I thought I should share my story.
Before I start, I'll preface this with I am an AFAB Mexican POC (mixed native and white) and I feel like this has affected my situation.

When I saw the psychiatrist who diagnosed me, I felt a huge pushback from her. She pushed back on every symptom I told her, she seemed very annoyed with me. When she asked me about hyperactivity all she said was "are you hyper?" no explanation of how hyperactivity shows up-

differently in those of us who are AFAB. I've always had a problem with voice volume, chattiness, excitability, and sitting still, but I thought hyperactivity was the boy at school who would run in the halls and bodyslam lockers. So I said no.
Thankfully I got a diagnosis anyway.

She started me off on 5mg of adderall 2x a day. 5MG!! It worked for a while, but I noticed I was still struggling. Still using 3x the mental strain a NT person uses just to remember not to leave my bus pass on the seat.

I asked her to raise my dose and she asked me-

if I was functioning. I got diagnosed at 21, I'd been forced to learn to "function" all my life. So I said "yes, but i'm struggling" and she said she saw no reason to raise my dose.

Eventually I switched insurance and doctors. I explained to my new doctor that I desperately needed my dose raised because I was starting college full time soon. He was surprised I even felt anything with the 5mg and he raised it to 10.
however, I have another condition-

for which I told him I was still symptomatic in spite of medication. He ran a blood test, and said my levels were within normal so he wouldn't raise it.
(I looked it up later and my levels were on the extremely low end of normal).

I was grateful for the raise on adderall, but i hated talking to him. I could tell he didn't believe how difficult dealing with my other symptoms was and I always felt rushed and like I was being a baby.

BTW, for those of you who don't know, you can't just refill your adderall like other meds. Your doctor has to send it in, and you have to have follow up visits with them sometimes so they can evaluate.

I needed a refill about a year later and the clinic told me I needed to see a doctor in person before they would grant it (would've been nice to know before I was so close to running out). I had moved across town for work so I had to switch doctors again.

The new doctor saw my blood tests for my other condition and raised that does HURRAY. Then he sat down in front of me and told me the goal was to get off the adderall. That I needed to learn coping mechanisms. He asked if I was in school and I told him I'd graduated, but-

I think he must've thought I meant high school because he started lecturing me about how you don't really need adderall once you get a full time job because the structure is better and the attention demand is less, but that he would let me have it as long as I was studying

He wouldn't let me explain that I graduated COLLEGE, already had a full time job, and that after 20 odd years of being undiagnosed, I already had developed coping mechanisms but still need medication. I felt so small, I almost cried leaving his office.

Unfortunately, that made me very scared to reorder my adderall because I didn't want to see him again. When quarantine hit and I had to wfh, I decided to only take it on really hard days. However, I'm really rough on myself and ended up hardly taking it ever.

My productivity, my emotional state, etc have all suffered. So this week I decided I needed to start taking it regularly again hoping I wouldn't have to see him. But yep, they said I had to see a doctor in person.
Luckily this time I requested a new doctor

He told me I shouldn't be jumping doctors like this, but I explained what happened with the last one. I told him I got diagnosed as an adult and had been taking it for 4 years and definitely still needed it. Luckily he listened to me and reordered it.

He did try speaking spanish to me at one point because I was nervous and stuttering and giving short answers, but he stopped when I responded in english. (BTW, if you're a doctor, don't do this without asking first lol)

SO ANYWAYS, in conclusion, having ADHD is already so hard. But having doctors doubt you, having doctors deny you medication, having doctors not believe you really are struggling, is really harmful.

TW // SUICIDE MENT

I've been having such a hard time with my foggy mind and feeling useless and worthless. I started going back to the suicidal ideations I used to have before diagnosis. Doctors not believing patients, even for adhd, can literally end lives.