Yesterday was hard. I had no idea how triggering it would be to to hear about a female sexual abuser in a position of power.

Yes, women abuse. Yes, statistically & societally, men are more likely to be in power, but it doesn't negate the thousands upon thousands of male victims

...who deserve validation & protection, just as much as female victims.

My dad was one of those men. Yes, he was a narcissist, he was a cheater, & he had a lot of mental health issues that were never treated.
He was also pushed out of a moving car by my mom.
He was scratched

...& bruised all over his body, & had to walk to several different houses until he could find someone willing to let him use the phone.

My mom actually broke a bone in his face at one point, decades later.

Growing up w/a female abuser meant that, when I heard complementarian messages about how *dangerous* feminism was to the family, I *believed* them.

She was profoundly influential. She knew how to persuade, how to twist words to her own advantage, how to make herself seem like the victim when she *wasn't.* How to conveniently shape the narrative to make herself look innocent, or make her actions seem, at least warranted.

I responded by wanting to give aaaallllll my power away. I was also influential, a good persuader, a trained speaker, whatever, but any influence I had over others made me profoundly uncomfortable. I didn't have the language for it yet, but on some level, I understood that abuse

...was about power & control. I too-readily apologized for things I had no control over, & accepted responsibility for things I had no decision-making power in. ANY conflict or disruption meant I needed to examine my own heart, & see how I contributed to the problem.

I did all that BEFORE complementarianism came into my life.

See, my mom was a card-carrying feminist. After I converted, & heard allllll the awful ways that "feminists were ruining the family", I thought, "Yep! I saw it with MY OWN EYES!"
Nothing anyone said could have

...convinced me otherwise.

It took a long time to realize that abusers will use ANYTHING as an excuse to keep abusing. The victim could do everything wrong, or everything right. They could be morally upstanding, or morally bereft. NONE of that is a reason to abuse someone

...in body, mind, or spirit, or take someone else's agency and autonomy away.
(CN, sexual abuse)
And that is exactly what Becki Falwell did.
She made sure the victim was alone, inebriated, & powerless. She pressured his band mates, & his mother, to get what she wanted. She took

...his choices away, when he was in a vulnerable position. She made him *more vulnerable.* It took him 12 years to finish his degree. He STILL blames himself for not-being-Potiphar.
When someone takes your choices away, that's abuse. That's control, exploitation, manipulation.

Whether they use threats of suicide, fear, physical blows, blackmail, manipulation, degradation, your children, your pets, money, job, Jesus, or karma--if they take away your power over your own life, without your consent, or by *coercing* your consent, THAT is abuse.

It doesn't matter what gender you are. It doesn't matter if you also made mistakes, or did something awful. It doesn't matter what their circumstances were. Consent is a continual process. God's mercy & love is new every morning, & so is *your life*. Control is not love.

And regardless of what you did, regardless of where your loved-one's brain was, or what their diagnosis is, someone's choice to strike you, trap you, manipulate you, lie to you, etc, **still has consequences**. You can decide, every day, if you want to live w/ those consequences.

I also got to watch two men, that I love more deeply than family, be abused by *their* wives. 1 abuser was psychological, emotional, full of secrets & traps. The other was more open & abrasive abt it, using lies,guilt, & control. As far as I'm concerned, both women are monsters.

I nearly lost my mind as I watched the 1st be controlled, accept the justifications, & believe that she was still somehow a good person, as she drained the life out of him. It was like watching a bloodletting in slow motion.

The second, however, is learning to care for himself, the way he would care for a female in the same circumstances. He's getting counseling, he's setting reasonable boundaries, but he recently had a setback. Please pray for him to get free.

Meanwhile, I'm taking it easy today. I hate female abusers w/a special searing passion, & Becki Falwell can go straight to hell.