Kyle Rittenhouse deserves to held fully responsible for his actions. What he did is reprehensible, and those actions require a response.

But I can't say that I'll enjoy justice being done in this instance.

I keep going back to a scene in the graphic novel series "Wicked + Divine." In it, there's an incarnation of the god Woden on earth. He's basically the pinnacle of toxic masculinity, but there's one scene in the 3rd volume where he shows some strange self-awareness.

He says:

"And patriarchy isn't rule by men. It's rule by Fathers. Most men will never be The Fathers. They're just Sons, and Sons get sacrificed to keep the old man in port and cigars."

None of us live in a vacuum. Outside influences affect us more than most of us are willing to admit. I'm not here to debate the extent to which the decisions we make are a result how we're raised. It's a complicated and intense topic. But it plays a big role.

And I'm just so angry at the dominant culture of manhood and masculinity. I'm angry that men are taught we need to be conquerors wherever we go. I'm angry that we're taught to define ourselves through dominating ourselves and our loved ones.

I'm angry at how our definitions of masculinity are tied to nationalism, patriotism, and capitalism. I'm angry that we're expected to prove our worth to ideals in order to matter. I'm angry that violence and death, either dealing it or falling to it, is the ultimate proof.

I'm angry that some men are valued less because of the color of their skin, and are killed en masse just for existing, while white men, white children, are radicalized into doing the killing. I'm angry that this behavior is rewarded, applauded, expected.

I'm angry that a culture with a massive amount of influence and power in the US builds up young men, tells them their special, that they're worth more than everyone just bc they're men, worth even more cause they're white, and then shoves them head first into the meat grinder --

All in the service of God, country, and capitalism.

I won't lose any sleep when (if) the punishment comes down on that boy's head. But I can't help but be angry that one of the largest cultures in our country allowed him to exist.

I'm angry at the powers that be that encouraged this. I'm angry at the ones that saw the signs and did nothing, that didn't push back hard enough against violence and extremism growing in American conservatism.

I'm angry that there are thousands and thousands of boys waiting for their chance to do what Rittenhouse did, and that this pointless murder won't be the last.

I'm furious. And I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't expect anyone to share my feelings. There are people who's hurt and anger over this goes back generations, who will cheer at KR going to prison, and I don't begrudge them one bit.

I speak only for myself, in an effort to sort my complicated feelings about it.

Cause the fact is that I'm a straight white man who has and will continue to benefit from the same system that has caused so much destruction. I'll benefit from the same cultures/systems that created Rittenhouse. It doesn't matter whether I want to or not.

And trying to push back against that just feels like I'm fighting a centuries-old inferno, only I'm wearing fireproof gear while my fellows around me get t-shirts and water-guns to protect themselves. Even if I could put out the fire, everyone else is gonna burn.

I don't have an inspiring message the end this thread with. There are people who are a lot smarter and more equipped to give you one.

I have only two things in me at the moment.

My anger -- and the patience to figure out what to do with it.