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I’m just popping up the loft to look for my ‘Learn French In A Hurry’ book. It has reminded me of the Multipack loo roll incident during a Booze Cruise outing a few years ago.
Remind me to tell you about it when I get down.
You probably won’t believe what happened.
Remind me to tell you about it when I get down.
You probably won’t believe what happened.
Ready?...
Over the years I went on a few booze cruises, as they were known.
We often used them as a Jollyboy’s Outing.
On this particular one we were going from Portsmouth to Le Harve.
It was an overnight crossing with all day ashore, ‘shopping’, then an overnight sail back.
Over the years I went on a few booze cruises, as they were known.
We often used them as a Jollyboy’s Outing.
On this particular one we were going from Portsmouth to Le Harve.
It was an overnight crossing with all day ashore, ‘shopping’, then an overnight sail back.
The first sign of trouble was when we got on the train to Portsmouth and discovered that the 12 of us who set out were already down to 11.
We’d all already had a skinful and one of the guys, Craig, had gone to get a pasty for the journey and we never saw him again.
We’d all already had a skinful and one of the guys, Craig, had gone to get a pasty for the journey and we never saw him again.
We later discovered that he’d got on a train to Penzance by mistake, just as it was leaving, and after walking the length of the train looking for us, he panicked, pulled the Emergency cord and got taken away in a Transport Police van to a ‘Cooling off Centre’ in Newbury.
When we got off the train at Portsmouth someone had the great idea of going to the pub opposite the station to make up for the fact we’d only had time for 4 cans each on the train.
As you are no doubt anticipating, this turned out to be a bad idea.
As you are no doubt anticipating, this turned out to be a bad idea.
There was an early doors karaoke event in full swing.
It’s not really my thing, but one of the guys, Brian, thought he was Tom Jones and wasn’t leaving until he’d had his moment.
It’s not really my thing, but one of the guys, Brian, thought he was Tom Jones and wasn’t leaving until he’d had his moment.
Just over an hour until the ferry departed and his name still hadn’t been called. I made the decision to call taxis, much to Brian’s dismay.
Just as the DJ called out Brian’s name a guy came to the door and shouted “Taxis for Rab.”
Just as the DJ called out Brian’s name a guy came to the door and shouted “Taxis for Rab.”
Brian looked at me like I’d pulled his gran’s hair and revealed it as a wig. I thought he was going to cry.
I looked around at all the others and they were looking at me as if I’d kicked a wounded puppy.
Suddenly it was all my fault.
I looked around at all the others and they were looking at me as if I’d kicked a wounded puppy.
Suddenly it was all my fault.
I spoke to the taxi driver and he said they could wait 5 minutes maximum. I then gestured to Brian, “Go on then, but we’re probably going to miss the ferry.”
He was up on the stage like a greyhound chasing a hare.
He was up on the stage like a greyhound chasing a hare.
I didn’t think he was too bad, but within 30 seconds a group of women sitting opposite the stage were shouting things to the effect that they didn’t think it was very good at all.
Then one of them threw what looked like a handful of lasagna at him.
Then one of them threw what looked like a handful of lasagna at him.
To say all hell broke loose would be an understatement.
Brian jumped off the stage and as he made his way towards the women, he stood on a loose bit of lasagna lying on the floor.
He went down like bag of half set jelly.
Brian jumped off the stage and as he made his way towards the women, he stood on a loose bit of lasagna lying on the floor.
He went down like bag of half set jelly.
As he fell he grabbed at an adjacent table, pulling five pints of Guinness on top of him.
When he stood up, I’m sure his first thought was one of regret at wearing a white t-shirt.
He looked like an apprentice at an abattoir.
When he stood up, I’m sure his first thought was one of regret at wearing a white t-shirt.
He looked like an apprentice at an abattoir.
The reaction from the Guinness table was understandable, considering their loss. Every indication was that they were going to kill him.
It reminded me of that pub scene from American Warewolf in London, except everybody was shouting.
It reminded me of that pub scene from American Warewolf in London, except everybody was shouting.
An old woman, who had been sitting at the edge of the bar, was suddenly standing between the Guinnessless five, Lasagna Louise’s gang and Brian.
With our lot standing behind Brian.
She stood there like a rugby referee and said 4 words.
With our lot standing behind Brian.
She stood there like a rugby referee and said 4 words.
“Leave it,” to the locals. “Him. Out,” to us, as she pointed at Brian.
At this point, Brian had slipped on the lasagna carcass again and was lying on the floor beside it.
Two of the guys, Pete and Buck, took a leg each and dragged Brian out the door.
At this point, Brian had slipped on the lasagna carcass again and was lying on the floor beside it.
Two of the guys, Pete and Buck, took a leg each and dragged Brian out the door.
We had 45 minutes until the ferry sailed.
When we eventually reached the terminal and were getting out of the taxis I heard Brian whimpering, “Did anybody pick up my bag?”
All I could do was hold my head. It took us 15 minutes to get from pub to the ferry. You do the math(s)
When we eventually reached the terminal and were getting out of the taxis I heard Brian whimpering, “Did anybody pick up my bag?”
All I could do was hold my head. It took us 15 minutes to get from pub to the ferry. You do the math(s)
The poor sod stood there contemplating his options. We were going away for 2 days and nights, he was covered in lasagna juice and soaked in Guinness, had no change of clothing, no spare underwear, no washbag. Nothing.
I don’t think everybody crying with laughter was helping.
I don’t think everybody crying with laughter was helping.
If it hadn’t been for Gus putting his arm around him and saying, “You’ll be fine. They’ll have clothes and stuff in France.” I think he may've gone home.
After taking Brian to the toilets to wipe the worst of it off him, we checked in and boarded the ferry. 10 minutes to spare.
After taking Brian to the toilets to wipe the worst of it off him, we checked in and boarded the ferry. 10 minutes to spare.
After dropping our bags off in our cabins we made our way to the bar.
It was only as the first row of flaming zombies were being set alight, that we realized that the guy who was holding the kitty, Phil, wasn’t with us.
We were down to 10.
It was only as the first row of flaming zombies were being set alight, that we realized that the guy who was holding the kitty, Phil, wasn’t with us.
We were down to 10.
It was only when we got back to work that we discovered that he’d caught the eye of one of the ladies at Lasagna Louise’s table and they had ‘got chatting’ and it seems he and the kitty had spent a couple of days and nights with her.
Twenty five quid each we’d put in.
Twenty five quid each we’d put in.
I won't bore you with the details of the general shebang that took place during the evening, culminating in the bar being closed quite abruptly by the Captain himself at 4am.
We've all been there.
Having said that, there was one seemingly unremarkable event.
We've all been there.
Having said that, there was one seemingly unremarkable event.
There was an announcement at about 11pm that the duty free shop was closing.
It seems that one of the guys, Pete, had become a bit confused, under the influence of 12 hours drinking.
He thought we were on the return leg and he couldn't remember buying any booze.
It seems that one of the guys, Pete, had become a bit confused, under the influence of 12 hours drinking.
He thought we were on the return leg and he couldn't remember buying any booze.
He'd gone to the shop and bought 12 cases of lager, 6 bottles of white wine, 6 bottles of red and a giant toblerone.
It was only when we docked in Le Harve that we realised something was wrong. Pete thought it was Portsmouth
It was only when we docked in Le Harve that we realised something was wrong. Pete thought it was Portsmouth
He had put all his purchases in a trolley that he'd got from outside the ferry duty free shop and was pushing it down the gangway.
We were all at the bottom waiting for the minibus to take us to the duty free hypermarket. None of us could work out what was going on.
We were all at the bottom waiting for the minibus to take us to the duty free hypermarket. None of us could work out what was going on.
Anyway. The minibus turned up and we all got on. Except Pete. The driver wouldn't let him bring the booze on the bus.
Pete later told us that he was thinking, 'Surely the driver of a bus picking up from a booze cruise would expect people to have booze with them?’
Pete later told us that he was thinking, 'Surely the driver of a bus picking up from a booze cruise would expect people to have booze with them?’
