AU where Dazai and Chuuya haven't been dating for too long and Dazai hasn't had the chance to set certain boundaries yet, leading to a meltdown when things get /serious/.

disclaimer for mild nsfw, unhealthy relationship with sex, asexuality

The door slammed shut with a loud bang, shaking the frame. But who cared when Dazai's back hit the smooth surface, only for Chuuya to be on him again. Lips on lips, captured in an open-mouthed kiss, hot and eager.

Arms wrapped around his neck, pulling Dazai down and closer to

Chuuya. It made Dazai want to smile.

His hands traveled down Chuuya's sides, closing around his waist on both sides. Chuuys felt so amazing. So warm.

Chuuya made him feel /good/. The way he didn't want to let go, the way he /needed/ contact, demanding attention and intimacy.

Dazai liked it, a lot. If it came to him, they could continue like this forever.

Okay, almost; the position was definitely uncomfortable, especially when there were so many other options –

Nipping at his lower lip softly, Chuuya made him sigh into the kiss, content, pleased.

Returning the act, Chuuya tensed as teeth grazed, but in an excited way. Dazai knew he liked it. They've done that before. He's had enough time to figure out what his chibi enjoyed and how to draw the most adorable sounds from him.

Nothing was better than to know he was doing

this /right/, making Chuuya feel good.

Pressing even closer, Dazai's grip around his middle tightened, wanting to keep him against his chest like this, not letting him go again.

And then he felt something grazing the inside of his legs. Raising his knee, Chuuya wedged his

thigh between Dazai's legs, standing on tiptoes and grinding against – oh god.

Dazai went rigid.

He knew where this was going. How had he not – Why hadn't he – Should he?

Chuuya grinned against his lips and then Chuuya wasn't trying to contain anymore, slipping his tongue in.

It caught Dazai by surprise, his breath hitching, but Chuuya felt so confident, so wanting, knowing exactly what he's doing and it made Dazai relax a little. This wasn't too bad, after all.

Maybe, this could turn out enjoyable.

It didn't last long, though, because soon

Chuuya stepped back, his fingers interlacing with Dazai's. He missed the contact, the heat, but he didn't get to dwell on it.

Strong arms pulled him off the wall and Chuuya hastily kicked his shoes off. Dazai followed suit, barely standing again before he stumbled, a harsh tug

bringing him out of balance.

With hurried steps, Chuuya dragged Dazai behind him, and when he looked back to check if Dazai was alright, there's not only a bright smile on Chuuya's face but also a mischievous glint in his eyes that caused Dazai stomach to twist.

God, he's stunning.

With the way his hair danced as he moved, even in a rush graceful as ever, Dazai almost tripped over his own feet aa he adored him.

They hadn't been dating for too long at this point, but it had been enough time for Dazai to be completely engrossed in the

person that Chuuya was.

For Chuuya, he was ready to give it all.

And as they rushed upstairs, no time to spare, Dazai felt /good/. He felt warm, he felt wanted, he felt loved. For the first time in forever, he felt accepted.

Because this was exciting, almost giving the impression as if they were about to do something /forbidden/, providing him with a sense of curiosity and giddiness.

Passing the door, Chuuya ushered Dazai into the bedroom, and before Dazai had any time to think, he was gently shoved

onto the matress.

In no time, Chuuya was straddling his lap, delicate hands cupping Dazai's face as he captured him in another kiss as if there was no tomorrow. As if his life depended on this.

It... happened a bit out of the blue.

Don't get it wrong, Dazai fully understood

where they were heading but – his brain short-circuited.

What was he supposed to do now?

Not exactly knowing, Dazai grabbed Chuuya by his ass. It's enough encouragement for Chuuya to scoot closer, bringing their chests together and with this little space between them, Dazai

could feel Chuuya's erection pressing against his thigh – Dazai winced.

Chuuya proceeded to kiss along his jaw, peppering him with butterfly-kisses so soft, barely there, just to nibble on the skin below his ear and Dazai would have been lying if he said it wasn't /pleasant/.

He actually kinda liked it. Enough to tilt his head slightly, allowing Chuuya to continue and to move lower.

But he just... couldn't bring himself to relax.

Thoughts over thoughts, having appeared out of nowhere, swarmed his head, questions over questions.

And all of them demanded answers.

What if he fucked this up?
What would Chuuya do?

Feeling a little useless, his own hands stroked over Chuuya's thighs hesitantly, the rough fabric a secondary sensation on the tips of his fingers when there was /Chuuya/ and everything that

belonged to him.

The spicy scent of his aftershave that filled Dazai's nose offered comfort and a certain homely-ness that Dazai had only ever found in Chuuya so far.

This was Chuuya on his lap, not anyone else. Chuuya, who would /never/ do anything to harm him.

They were doing this to make them both feel good. Chuuya wanted this.

As to confirm, Chuuya grinded against him, a silent moan passing his lips, hot breath against Dazai's neck.

His nails dug into Chuuya's thighs. /He/ wanted this.

And then they were fingers on the upper

button of Dazai's shirt, fiddling a bit before it popped open. And then another one. And one more.

The air was knocked out of Dazai's lungs.

/"Ugh, could you be little more into this?"/

Tender touches ghosted below his collarbone, a finger tracing it's silhouette.

It's just Chuuya. He knew how to take care of him.

Taking a deep breath, Dazai played with the hem of Chuuya's shirt.

/"This felt better when you put more effort into it."/

Shifting a bit, Chuuya leaned back, locking their gazes. There was a pink flush around his nose,

adorably cute while a veil of /want/ glazed his eyes. Dazai recognized it.

He gulped down. Chuuya rubbed his ass over his thighs provokingly, holding the gaze, Dazai's legs tensing under the sensation.

/"It's not fair, to leave me hard like that. You should take care of that,

or I won't be able to sleep tonight!"/

What should he do? Was he doing this right? Where should he put his hands? Did Chuuya like it when he touched his back?

He wanted Chuuya to enjoy this, make him feel good, give him what he needed. Because Chuuya clearly wanted this.

And Dazai wanted /Chuuya/. He couldn't let him down now. Not when the air had grown this thick and their skins hot and their breaths heavy.

Maybe he should undress him? Taking the next step, more skin, more touching.

/"For real? That's an asshole move, you know that, right?

Couldn't have you have said anything sooner, before you've worked me up? Fuck off."/

Dazai flinched when a hand slipped under his shirt, palm flat against his chest. He felt every point where they came in contact, his skin seething.

Breathing rhythmically gradually became

more complicated as the hand moved, exploring inch for inch, every dent in his muscles, every little imperfection that he may reach.

Heart thrumming violently against his ribcage, Dazai's insides churned.

What Chuuya was doing was /nice/. But Chuuya expected more, wanted to

take this further, meaning Dazai would have to comply.

He was short of breath.

It's fine. He could do this, he'd done this before. What was one more time if it made Chuuya happy?

He didn't remember closing his eyes, but Chuuya's lips on his came unexpected, a bit too forceful,

too demanding, too /fast/.

/"Why can't you just have sex with me? It's not that hard, get your shit together."/

"Dazai? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

As he broke the kiss, Chuuya brought up a hand to Dazai's cheeks, and it was only then Dazai registered there were tears running

down his face, warm and wet, smearing as Chuuya run a thumb over them.

While fingers pressed into the flesh of Chuuya's legs, his arms trembled, and suddenly, he couldn't breathe anymore. There was a rock crushing his lungs, and no matter how hard he gasped for air, it

/didn't work/.

He was suffocating.

"Fuck, oh god, shit, Dazai."

Sliding off his lap in a hurry, Chuuya drops to his knees on the floor. Dazai didn't feel him anymore.

"Hey, breathe. Focus on me. Breathe with me." Chuuya's voice barely cut through the haze that had thickened

around Dazai.

The tears blurred his vision.

"Dazai, listen to me. Breathe. Like this."

And Dazai tried, despite his chest being so /tight/ but he breathed – and it made the tears flow again.

He didn't even know himself what caught him so off guard, what was stressing him out.

All he knew was that he was /scared/. It's as if the floor had been pulled away beneath his feet.

It's just – he had been so sure he has gotten over this. /So sure/. Why was his mind betraying him?

"Good," Chuuya had an easing effect on him. Maybe Dazai wasn't completely lost.

"Shit, I– Can I touch you? Do you want me to?"

Blinking away some of the water, Dazai managed to /look/ at Chuuya. Why was he still here? Dazai had fucked up, Chuuya had every right to leave.

But there he was, waiting for an answer, and – Dazai nodded.

It was selfish,

he knew he didn't deserve it, but yes, he /needed/ a hug.

Strong arms wrapped around him, almost like a warm blanket, and at first, Dazai froze.

Chuuya didn't have to do that.

Why was this even happening? Couldn't he have gotten his shit together? Spare them both the utter

embarrassment?

Then, Chuuya hugged him tighter, squeezing, and it felt so much like a "it's alright", Dazai just couldn't bear it. His face dropped into the crook of Chuuya's neck, silent tears falling, wetting Chuuya's shirt.

Yet, Chuuya didn't seem bothered.

Instead he snuggled closer, being there and just letting Dazai calm down, sort out his thoughts and – he didn't deserve that.

"I'm sorry," the words were muffled by the fabric, but Chuuya understood nonetheless.

He stroked Dazai's back with one hand soothingly, still not

letting go. "What are you sorry for?"

Dazai's stomach dropped. He- Chuuya was making fun of him, right?

But nothing seemed to indicate just that.

Chuuya remained silent, waiting for Dazai to speak and – shit.

Finally, he whispered back the only reasonable response he had.

"For killing the mood."

Because he really, really was sorry. Very much so.

Chuuya shouldn't have had to deal with that, with him like that.

Or with him in general.

Dazai should have known he wasn't ready yet and now... he was just being unfair to Chuuya.

The grip around Dazai loosened. Instead, Chuuya planted his hands on Dazai's thighs, looking into his eyes.

Dazai was entranced by those blue eyes.

And for once, not because of their unusual color, or the almost childish sincerity, but for the /concern/ they carried.

"Dazai, you are clearly struggling with something. There's nothing you have to be sorry for. If anything-"

"I do, cause this isn't how you've imagined things to go down tonight and I am so sorry for ruining the evening."

Dazai didn't exactly dare to touch Chuuya right now.

His hands fisted the sheets besides him.

"I don't want you to feel like you have to deal with me right now. I know it's ... weird. You don't have to stay if you don't want to. It's alright, I'll come round, this isn't-"

"Dazai," Chuuya's voice wasn't forceful, but stern enough

to shut Dazai up.

"I'm not going to leave now. Why should I? I am not mad, if that's what you want to hear, I am worried. Because I don't know what's up and I don't know what you need."

What he... needs?

"If anyone has to apologize, it's me. I upset you and god–

I shouldn't have gone for it before we've talked about it. I'm sorry."

And there's so much guilt flashing across Chuuya's face, it made Dazai's feel even more guilty for fucking things up.

This... was a mess.

He took a deep, shaky breath.

"It's not your fault, really not. You have nothing to do with it. You couln't have known and I should have said something sooner and not ... let it get to me that much."

"Let /what/ get to you?"

And Dazai closed his mouth again.

Well... /everything/.

How could he ever

explain the mess he was?

But Chuuya was offering him so much patience, so much calmness. Chuuya didn't seem upset. Chuuya wasn't angry at him. On the contrary. Chuuya wanted to understand, wanted to stay, wanted to fix whatever this was. He deserved an explanation.

But /how/?

Chuuya waited. He didn't push, didn't question further, gave Dazai time to sort his thoughts.

The thing was.... Dazai couldn't. He didn't know what to say.

Was he even ready to share?

He knew he owed Chuuya some kind of explanation of what happened.

People didn't just start /crying/ when they were about to have sex.

That wasn't normal.

Apparently aware that Dazai struggled, Chuuya reached for his hand, a gesture so soft, it startled Dazai.

Then he got up, just to sit down in the middle of the bed, pulling Dazai with him.

It pulled Dazai out of his trance.

"Chuuya, you don't have to do this. Don't feel like you have to stay."

Without knowing any better, Dazai could have sworn, Chuuya even looked a little hurt at his words.

Then, a tender smile played on his lips.

"Shush, stop it.

I'm worried and I /want/ to be here with you. Now come here."

Dazai was hesitant. He felt like he was using Chuuya for his own benefits now, a burden on him.

Yet, Chuuya remained where he sat, giving Dazai time to decide.

And Dazai scooted over to rest his back against the

head board, sitting across from Chuuya now.

He still couldn't bring himself to touch Chuuya.

The distance gave Dazai some room to breathe.
To calm down.
To gather his thoughts.

He didn't know how many minutes passed until he let out a heavy sigh. It encouraged Chuuya to

finally ask.

"What happened? Do you want to talk about it?" The question is whispered into the darkness of the room, but to Dazai came like a scream.

Yes.
And No.

Never before had he openly spoken about it. There hadn't been a need to.

But with Chuuya... it's different.

He liked him. A lot. And he wanted him to stay around for a little longer... but to have that become a possibility, Dazai needed to clear the table.

"I... got anxious." It's a start.

"About what?" Chuuya's next question made him think again.

All those memories had come back,

bleeding into his mind like poison, making Dazai worried that...

"... that I wouldn't be enough." He could barely speak the words out loud, a raw whisper falling from his lips. But it's the truth.

And he knew how irrational those thoughts were, but over time, they'd become

so persistent in his mind, making him actually believe he was as broken as he'd always been told.

"That I won't be able to give you what you want or expect, Chuuya. Because I can't."

His hands clenched the sheets.

Chuuya's brows furrowed. "But that doesn't make sense.

Why shouldn't you be? Have I ever made you feel like you're not enough? Because if I–"

"No, not you. But... others."

His thoughts sounded like a broken record, repeating what he had been telling himself all the time.

Maybe it was time to throw the device out.

A deep breath.

Now or never.

"Look, the thing is, I'm asexual. I'm not sexually attracted to people. And for me, it's also that I am not that much into sex. It's just– not for me much of the time, which doesn't mean I can't or don't want to have sex, cause I do, really, just not as often as

you'd like to and I don't want to disappoint you when it comes to that and–"

He needed to take a deep breath, having spoken too fast.

But it's out. He /said/ it. And for the first time ever out loud.

Yet, he couldn't look Chuuya in the eye, too scared of what he'd find.

"Oh. That's good to know. Thank you for telling me and trusting me with this."

That's it. Chuuya would leave, because who would want to date anyone who couldn't even fulfil one's most basic desire.

And it hurt.

But the worst part about it was that Dazai understood.

Chuuya wasn't to blame.

The familiar burn behind his eyes appeared again, and Dazai squeezed his eyes shut, fighting against the urge.

It would be fine.

"I'm sorry I made you go this far when you didn't want to. We should have talked about it before. Is there something I can

do for you? Do you need some water?" Chuuya continued.

Slowly opening one eye, Dazai dared to look at Chuuya, preparing himself to find him about to run, carrying an expression of disappointment.

But instead, he found worry and concern, gentle on Chuuya's features.

Unbelieving, he blinked at him.

"You are ... fine with that?"

That drew a smile from Chuuya, however tainted with a hint of sadness.

"Of course I am, Dazai. Why wouldn't I be? Your needs are just as valid as everyone else's."

Dazai's speech was taken away. Chuuya...

wasn't bolting?

Chuuya paused, reaching out as if to touch Dazai before thinking of a better.

"Why didn't you stop me sooner though?"

And... Dazai /did/ have an answer to that.

"I didn't know how you'd react, and usually it shouldn't even have been a problem... I think I just

didn't want to make you feel guilty for wanting sex. Cause as said, I /do/ enjoy it sometimes."

Nodding slowly, Chuuya seemed to be considering his reply. A crease formed between his brows slowly.

"Okay...One more thing...What if you hadn't freaked out?"

"I think I would have gone through with it? As said, I /can/ have sex-,"

"But would you have wanted to /today/?"

An ice-cold question, hitting Dazai right in his guts. He gulped down drily. In the pit of his stomach, he knew the truth. And it scared him as much as it disgusted

and angered him.

"Today was just – not the right time I believe. It was all a bit too much..."

Shifting where he sat, Chuuya seemed torn between wanting to give Dazai space and wrapping him in a hug.

Truthfully, Dazai himself was unsure of what he wanted.

Suddenly, he felt uneasy in his own skin, it crawling as if infested and uncomfortable to be in.

Chuuya settled for distance.

"That's ... not how it should be. I want you to feel good and comfortable with me. You shouldn't feel like you /have to/ do this."

In theory, Dazai /knew/ that. In reality, he had been proven the opposite so many times.

"Ya, I know," Dazai whispered, wrapping his hands around his knees, "but if my feelings are valid, yours are too, and you shouldn't have to put up with it if you're not comfortable with it."

Despite having tried to express his concerns in a nice way, Chuuya saw right through him, another flash of pain shadowing his face.

"I'm not some horny rabbit, Dazai. I'm not dating you because I need a hook-up. I decided to go out with you for /you/. And that means with

everything you come with. And I wouldn't want it any other way."

There wasn't much that Dazai could do other than stare at him dumbfounded.

Because not only had Chuuya decided to stay, he also accepted him for who he was and that... was more than anyome else had given him

ever before.

Chuuya's sigh interrupted the silence.

"I'm going to make some tea now and put on a movie. And if you want to we can talk about it a bit more or leave it for another day, whatever youre comfortable with. Sounds good?"

Dazai's voice was hoarse, "Sounds good."

With that, Chuuya offered him another smile, sliding off the bed. But before he left, he took Dazai's hand between his, giving it a soft squeeze.

"Don't worry, I'm not leaving you now."

And that reply almost made Dazai tear up again.

Never would he have expected for Chuuya to

accept him that easily.

There were still unspoken things hanging in the air that needed to be cleared but they would get there.

There were still things that needed to be explained, to be told, to be worked out.

But time would come.

But, Chuuya was there.

And they would figure it out as it came, slowly, patiently, and with lots of understanding from both sides.

A little later, Dazai stole a kiss from Chuuya before snuggling into his side, falling asleep in front of the TV.

Talking could wait another day.

Right now, all Dazai needed was acceptance and to know that Chuuya was still ready to give /them/ a chance.

//e (for now?)

(Little personal end note, might be deleted when I wake up in the morning. If you want to comment, please on the tweet above)

SO I guess a few of you were expecting some wild twist or anything... but no. Not in this one.

I really contemplated if I should post this or not.

No, what is described in the thread didn't happen to me in /that/ way. BUT
I have heard every single sentence that Dazai has flashbacks to myself.

And guess what.

IT SUCKS. Because it messes with your head, your confidence and everything you believe in.

Did I have anything important to say? Probably not.

Base line? Just be aware that little sentences can have huge impact, guilt-tripping even more so, and even if aces may experience sexuality differently, it doesn't mean we don't enjoy it.

While this thread doesn't represent

my personal mindset, it's pretty damn close to where I've been in the past, and maybe, someone out there can identify with it as well.

Remember, you're valid

Take care folks <3 Thanks for reading, this one means a lot to me and again, my CC is open!