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Yesterday my RSD got triggered by my sister-in-law. She made a comment that I took as a criticism of my parenting (it wasn't). Most people would feel some sort of fight or flight response, but RSD is really different.
A thread about Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.
A thread about Rejection Sensitivity Disorder.
The first thing to note is that many ND people feel emotions very intensely, and feelings of anger and shame can quickly become overwhelming. My first response is to hide away so I can't say things I regret. It also means no one knows that there is even anything wrong.
So last night I am isolated, and my brain is spinning out. I'm angry because she had no right to comment on my relationship with my son, but I am also immediately internalising that she is right, I should have done x,y,z better, I'm a terrible parent and a terrible person.
Over the next few hours this feeling spreads to every area of my life. I am cyclically assessing my ability to be a friend, partner, parent, colleague and every assessment is critical.
CW: Suicide / Suicidal ideation
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The solution the presents itself is obviously to remove myself from everyone's life, so the next few hours are spent thinking about methods to end my own life, how I would write notes, and so on. (I have no intention of acting on this btw)
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The solution the presents itself is obviously to remove myself from everyone's life, so the next few hours are spent thinking about methods to end my own life, how I would write notes, and so on. (I have no intention of acting on this btw)
Side note: I hate having intrusive thoughts like that. I have no intention of acting on it, and I am sure it is just some unhealthy escapism. It is very common for me to get stuck in those thought cycles when my RSD is triggered, but I don't know how common that is for others.
So by this time, one single off-the-cuff comment has led to me isolating, being awake most of the night in horrible thought cycles, and nobody in my household knowing that anything is wrong. I woke up this morning and played with the kids, and started work. I still feel like shit
Rejection Sensitivity Disorder is experienced by >90% of ADHDers. We are so used to being poorly judged by everyone around is, that small criticisms can send us into a cycle that goes beyond defensiveness and becomes pathological.
If this is something you suffer with, just know that it is really really common. I know that it really hurts. You are not alone.
