And so begins Night Three of my worst idea ever: live-tweeting the RNC.

Having been insufficiently protected by my vintage World War II leather flying helmet last night, I have upgraded to an NFL helmet in size XXXXL.

Buckle up. Here we go.

1/

Up first, the governor of South Dakota, Kristi Noem.

In high school, Noem won the South Dakota Snow Queen pageant.

Just think, if she had gone on to compete internationally, the man she is endorsing tonight could have walked in on her naked as a minor.

Next up was some guy in an unfortunate shirt/tie/sportcoat combination.

I’m disinterested in who he was or what he had to say.

Let’s move on.

At this point, I should probably reveal that prior to twenty minutes ago, I had eaten only half a sandwich today.

I have since eaten a significant amount of bacon and washed it down with two pints.

Unfortunately, this left me too short on time to stop for beer.

I have one.

I am now staring down the barrel of being terrifyingly alert for Mike Pence’s speech later.

All is terrible. Terrible is all.

I will cling to that one beer like it was a backup parachute during a frantic plummet to earth.

Open before impact.

Anywaaaay, up after the commercial was Rep. Dan Crenshaw.

Crenshaw is the colossal asshat who some came to briefly believe was unterrible after SNL normalized him.

He is indeed terrible. Ran a white supremacist FB group. A lying scumbag in office due only to gerrymandering.

Now we have General Keith Kellogg, national security advisor from Mike Pence’s staff, delivering a breathtaking volume of bullshit.

Delivering one lie after another from prepared lines on the prompter.

There must be an eventual consequence for members of the military lying.

Now up:

Tera Myers, mother of a special needs child, and advocate for school choice.

She is the perfect prop for a party interested in leveraging sympathetic exceptions as tools for defunding public education.

And now we have Kayleigh McFuckoffyouhorriblepieceofshit.

Next.

I am not even going to go into what this soulless bag of human trash is doing here.

Using a story of her own prophylactic, preventive surgery to gaslight people about Trump’s active, ongoing efforts to strip 40 million Americans of healthcare.

She is vile. Utter scum.

McEnany actually used a story of voluntarily choosing to have precautionary surgery while under the full coverage of federal healthcare to gaslight people into thinking this proves Trump protects pre-existing conditions.

An utter vulgarity of a lie from a sociopath.

My mother-in-law, may she Rest In Peace, died of ovarian cancer at 56. She was ineligible for individual insurance pre-Obamacare.

My father-in-law came out of retirement solely to get her healthcare.

The Trump Administration has a case before SCOTUS to bring us right back there

Fuck you, McEnany.

And next up in the Prattling Gong Show of Shitbaggery:

Karen Pence.

I didn’t listen. She’s a Stepford Wife to a creepy little man who absolutely has a mind full of sick, sick thoughts.

There may be newly disturbed earth under his patio. I’d roll out the ground sonar.

Tonight is a tour de force in deeply sociopathic Women of Trump.

Case in point: Kellyanne Conway

A profound narcissist in her own right, Conway is so devoid of a functioning morality, she is diseased beyond deserving a continued place in society.

Banish her to the woods.

While we break for commercial, a thought occurred to me today:

Trump surrounds himself with people willing to wholly betray any sense of wrong or right.

And they self-identify by being first willing to LIE ABOUT HIM.

Conway, McEnany, et al, all started as anti-Trump.

Once they were willing to stare into the camera and lie through their teeth ABOUT him, Trump knew he could get them to tell any lie - no matter how outrageous- FOR HIM.

They sold their soul. He just bought the debt.

Now up: Former head coach of the Notre Dame football team, Lou Holtz.

Lou hasn’t coached a game since they wore leather helmets and played with a pigskin stuffed with feathers.

He is a half-century past fathering kids but has strong opinions about women’s bodies.

Now we have Michael McHale of the National Association of Police Officers.

Says “the overwhelming majority of law enforcement officers are good.”

Okay, Mike, name the ones who aren’t.

Ever want to stop that argument in its tracks? Ask good cops to name bad cops.

And now Rep Elise Stefanik.

She’s basically Jim Jordan with longer hair.

A total fraud. Used her parents’ vacation home as a false residence to run in her district.

Support @TedraCobb.

One thing is clear from the lineup the last two nights:

The Trump Campaign is abjectly terrified of his polling among women.

Trump hasn’t shared a stage with this many women since he ran some cheeseball pageant in Moscow.

And moving right along, we now have Madison Cawthorn, the young candidate for Mark Meadows’ old seat who described visiting Hitler’s vacation home as on his “bucket list”.

Cawthorn is a seed of the modern GOP: dishonest, apparently racist, skilled at using faith to manipulate.

Since you can’t make this up, our next speaker is a man currently under indictment for insider trading.

Jack Brewer. Former NFL player.

Welp, what better time to start pandering for a pardon than before your trial?

My two pints of Smithwick have worn off and all I am left with is the simmering bile of my rage.

This is an Old Crow Medicine Show of carnival barkers peddling not so much snake oil but the virtues of the snake.

This is satan’s telethon.

Now up: New York Rep. Lee Zeldin

Synopsis: Trump sent some stuff to my district so it’s actually quite good and fine that you could fill Giants Stadium three times over with the dead bodies of people Trump’s incompetence has killed.

MSNBC and CNN keep cutting away to studio guests.

In a decision I may soon regret, I am going to go open my lone beer.

I have an hour to get through.

Am I pulling the ripcord too soon?

I fear the answer is yes.

And with Joni Ernst of Iowa now stepping up to go FULL TRUMP, yes, that is what I’m going to do.

Ernst is a cornfield Susan Collins.

Vacuous, spineless, servile. A moral zero. A pandering sellout. An enemy to women.

She has to go.

I have some exciting personal news.

I actually have TWO beers.

I promise to parlay this happy discovery into coverage from here out that is a better balance of snark and rage.

I told you I was salty as a stadium pretzel.

Who’s ready for nepotism?!

Here’s Lara Trump. A vapid, uninteresting person distinguished only by her unfathomable attraction to Eric “L’il Gary Busey” Trump.

Can you even imagine wanting to get horizontal with Beavis Trump?

My ovaries just fell out. And I don’t have ovaries.

“President Trump is the law and order President.” - wife of that president’s son who is currently evading subpoenas in civil and criminal investigations.

So far, the general theme of tonight’s speeches is that Biden-Harris would turn the country into some kind of hellscape where even people who aren’t blond or named Madison could get insurance.

Tonight’s speeches have been pretty boring.

No longterm impact. Will be forgotten by tomorrow. Barely quotable.

Last night was more effective.

Not great for Trump to be heading into the final day on a down note.

He’ll wipe out the remaining momentum with his speech.

Trump’s speech itself has the lowest upside of this whole damn Caravan of Trash.

He is terrible when scripted. His shtick is predictable and boring to even his supporters.

His speech has way more downside than potential to wow.

It’s an automatic underwhelm.

Last night was effective because they threw all kinds of jingo with high production values at an audience that loves that shot.

A soaring soundtrack as an eagle flies over a steel factory as workers stand outside and wave. That pap works.

Tonight is just talking heads.

Pivoting back to MSNBC...

Now speaking @RichardGrenell.

Hey, Dick: You’re a loser who was appointed to an Intelligence job you had no qualifications to hold.

You’re a vacuous turd impressive only to the kind of dimwits who are stumped by diner placemat word searches.

MSNBC and CNN are constantly interrupting the actual events to kick it back to the studio.

It is impossible to stay in the flow of events on either channel.

Anyone watching solely on either channel is even more bored than I am toggling between each.

We are now being treated to the film no one - and I mean NO ONE - ever asked be made:

The Mike Pence story.

Pence is goose shit in the tin horn of politics.

Just greasy enough to get through.

He’s ‘faux gras’. Delicious to only people who don’t know a pâté from a cow patty.

Mike Putz is speaking at Fort McHenry.

Honest question: what do you think Mike Pence’s lifelike exoskeleton is filled with?

I say, alien spiders and blowfly larva.

That or old newspapers and the mismatched sneakers of missing altar boys.

Pence is so boring.

The guy has all the charm of an ice cold speculum.

Pence is also a remarkably lousy public speaker.

He leans into the inflection but with a weird, fake, completely exaggerated tone.

“The... United. States. Space. Force.”

He’s a terrible actor attempting to play the role of a human man.

While Pence prattles on and I contemplate running for my last beer...

Hey, if you were of the inclination to help restock my cooler as we head into tomorrow’s final night, I’d raise a glass in your honor. https://ko-fi.com/hoarsewhisperer 

Pence now rambling through a bullet pointed list of non-achievements and fictions.

Much lying. So many lies.

Two Corinthians walk into a bar. Both hate Mike Pence.

I mean, he’s lying about everything from a VA bill actually passed under Obama to the coronavirus responses Trump in no way enabled.

Pence is a sociopath. It is not a healthy psychopathology to both claim moral superiority and be devoid of conscience or morality.

Tortoise sex is more exciting than this speech.

I would watch 24 straight hours of tortoise porn before watching ten more minutes of Johnny Bleached White Flower delivering this stultifyingly boring speech.

Pence is like finding a pair of panty hose filled with cottage cheese.

Weird, creepy, you neither understand what that’s all about nor want to.

The guy skeeves me out.

Even before Pence wraps up, tonight has been a swing and a miss for the Trump Campaign.

Super boring. An emotional letdown from last night. Poorly produced.

Exactly what you don’t want on the penultimate night.

Dems delivered Obama and Kamala on their 2nd to last night.

Republicans delivered a marching band of low rent sycophants crescendoing with Mike Pence’s oratory equivalent of watching two snails dry humping.

This speech was so effing boring, so terribly delivered, I guarantee you, they lost half the audience before the end.

More importantly, I have one beer remaining.

Unlike last night when the terrible-yet-effective programming ruined my whole damn night, tonight, I’ll enjoy a nightcap and sleep just fine.

Man, that sucked. We’ll hear whispers of tonight being a total miss by morning.

Oh, and just so you can laugh too...

Pence ended with:

“We’re going to... Make America Great Again... Again.”

Satire. Beyond satire.

And... we’re done.

One more night to go.

We can do this.

Thanks for hanging with me throughout.