DefendPDX has unanimously voted to dissolve. I am no longer affiliated with this group in any way or any capacity

I try to do the right thing. Sometimes I do what I think is the right thing in the wrong way. I think my tweet this morning was one of those times. I'm sorry https://twitter.com/defendpdx/status/1298725314399363074

I look forward to getting back to what matters: covering protests and writing articles in a responsible manner. That's my role: it's what I'm going to concentrate on from here on out

Thank you to everyone who gave me feedback today. I appreciate all of you

Fuck it I have more to say

The police push a narrative that I'm usually pretty good at seeing through. But sometimes it still gets me

It's the lie all abusers tell

"If you just do what I tell you, I wouldn't have to hurt you"

And it's bullshit. The police don't hurt us because of what we do, they hurt us because of who we are and what we believe. Only silence and ideological compliance can actually keep us "safe" and even then safety is reserved for people of the right skin tone and class markers

But it's a seductive lie. If offers the illusion of control, of actions one can take to keep oneself safe

And as the brutality mounts, the body longs for safety even as the mind radicalizes. Instinctive flailing for any spar of wood to save oneself from drowning

All of this to say that this morning I saw that someone with a press pass affiliated with my group was arrested for an alleged crime more out of line with the idea of journalism than the usual trumped-up charges of resisting arrest or riot

The lie of the abuser got to me

I let loyalty to an organization and to my comrades combine with my own fear to produce something toxic. I backed a statement that enforced the lie of the abuser. If only he hadn't worn the pass or been unwise enough to show his face

If only, if only: maybe I could be safe

This incident has shaken me. I pride myself on bravery but what happened today was cowardice

The truth is, I've been virtually non-functional for a while now. I'm not really sleeping. I don't really eat unless someone makes me. I feel nauseous most of the time

I thought I could gut my way through it but clearly it's begun to affect my judgment and ability to stand strong against all the shit raining down on us

I'm truly sorry for this. I am ashamed

I'm going to take a few days off from Twitter and the protests. Try to recover to the point where I can be useful again.

I will be back by Friday

Solidarity forever