one thousand follower special

a thread on why i chose ethical nonmonogamy ten years ago and why i don’t want it for myself anymore. obvious note that these are my personal experiences and takeaways from such and may not be generalizable.

i thought i needed to be poly bc i would always be “too much” for one person to want to deal with and too addicted to new relationship energy to feel fulfilled in one, long-term, not always fun or easy relationship. it may have just been that i was 21 years old.

i cheated in a couple relationships before i discovered one could practice nonmonogamy ethically and with integrity. the ENM lit i read helped me rationalize those misdeeds as evidence that monogamy didn’t work for me.

my first foray was opening an existing, sexually incompatible, relationship that i was afraid to lose entirely. weirdly, fucking strangers didn’t make me feel more satisfied, sexually or otherwise, in the relationship and we parted soon after.

but i knew what i wanted now! i had a name for it and everything! which is why -i- proposed exclusivity in my next relationship and was happily monogamous (engaged, even!) until an old romantic interest, previously inhibited by distance, came to town.

i dated both of them, separately but openly, for two years, and it was mostly fine, for me, at the time, but it hollowed the original relationship until it was but a husk of a once great love.

it’s easy to want to blame the other person for intentionally driving wedges, but i let it happen and must hold myself to account.

the point of this thread isn’t to rehash my relationship history, though, but to draw out what i learned or at least took away from it.

when happiest in relationships, i have wanted monogamy and a pair-bond with my best friend.

when complacent, bored, distracted, or unsatisfied in relationships, i sought to open them instead of doing the hard work of revitalizing or ending one.

i’m not fundamentally opposed to polyamory and nonmonogamy as relationship styles for myself and certainly not for other people, but i don’t think it works for me. i know, at least, that it hasn’t.

if i were considering it again in the future, here are some things i would ask myself:

•is it worth losing the relationship i have to explore connection with others? if yes, end relationship; if no, stay mono

•am i considering this bc it’s the only way the person i want to be with will be with me? if yes, it is not worth it, you already know this

•is there an unaddressed lack in my monogamous relationship? this is a conversation that requires radical transparency and vulnerability

•how would my partners and i check-in, communicate, and work to proactively quash tension before it becomes corrosive? if this conversation sounds overly formal or unnatural or prohibitively uncomfortable, do not do nonmonogamy!

•am i really sure i don’t want to deepen or add dimension to an existing connection? or conversely, take some steps back to better evaluate? meditate on it and listen to what my body tells me it wants without overriding my instincts.

thank you for reading and following :))))