tw// mentions of triggers , ptsd
OPENING UP ABOUT MY TRAUMA: a thread (pls read)

this is a lot for me to say so please bare with me, but i think this is important for me to say. i struggle with ptsd. it effects me every day of my life and people don't necessarily know that (1/?)

(2/?) i think i just need to get the story off of my chest. this will probably trigger me to write, but its important that i get it out. if you do not want to hear the story, skip to post 17

TW FOR THE REST OF THIS THREAD:

ptsd , triggers , tornadoes , anxiety ,
meds , trauma

it was a pretty average day, but things were off. i just got back from the gym with my mom, and my mom turned the tv on. the weather channel mentioned something about a tornado south of me. i wasnt worried because weather typically blows east, and tornadoes didnt scare me (3/?)

the atmosphere shifted. it was gloomy, and quiet. i heard the person on the weather station's voice shift into a more serious tone. "this is a tornado emergency. get to your tornado shelters now." i looked at my mom, and even she looked worried. (4/?)

she typically wasnt the type to worry about the weather. she got my dad who was sitting outside to come inside and we all sat in the basement together after gethering our pets and taking them with us. i had my anxiety pills, a phone charger, and a blanket ready. (5/?)

my anxiety meds didnt quite kick in, and i had started to have a mild anxiety attack. the comfort of my dog calmed me down quite a bit, and so did thr music in my headphones. we waited...and waited...and waited...until finally we heard distant thunder (6/?)

i was texting my friends and neighbors to make sure they were okay. we were all freaking out a bit, but they were mostly calm. i think i was crying at that point. thats when i was having the severe part of the panic attack. i was scared. (7/?)

i wasnt scared of death or anyone getting hurt, i was just scared. scared for how we were gonna come back from a tornado. we were pretty good financially at the time but that didnt mean that everyone was going to be the same. (8/?)

my mom held me as i cried for most of the time. she stayed strong, something i wish i could have done. we watched the alerts on her phone together from the local weather station. "tornado recorded 20 miles away." "tornado recorded 15 miles away." (9/?)

"tornado recorded 10 miles away." "tornado recorded 5 miles away" "tornado recorded 1 mile away"
"tornado recorded 0.5 miles away."
"tornado recorded 0.4 miles away."
0.3...0.2...0.1...
"tornado in your area" (10/?)

my mom got up from the couch and looked at the window. i couldnt see her face very well through the tears but i could just tell she was in disbelief and fear. i began asking "is it here, mom?" "is it close?" all i got in response was "do not come over here. do not look." (11/?)

it sounded like a loud wave of thunder. i heard things hitting the walls. we thought it was hail, and that the tornado went right next to us. but it was there. the house was shaking. the lights went out. i was still a sobbing, shaking mess. my mom held me as i held my dog. (12/?)

i couldnt think. all i could feel was the feeling of fear and the feeling of my panic attack taking over my body. it went by after about 5-10 minutes, but i was still rattled. i felt oddly safe afterwards. i was okay. my house was still there. i needed to go outside. (13/?)

it was all gone. almost everything. do many houses...so much debris laying everywhere in the yard...it was horrifying. i ran up to the other kids in the neighborhood to try to converse with them, which also calmed me down. we cleaned up the neighborhood over a couple days (14/?)

then i started having nightmares. nightmares about standing outside and watching tornadoes. nightmares about being so mortified but not being able to move. i didnt have very many, but i knew they werent supposed to be there. (15/?)

i waited a couple months, but i still had thr nightmares. i talked to my therapist, and she diagnosed me with ptsd. she didnt do a very good job of helping me cope, so we stopped seeing her. now im here. over a year later, struggling just as much. (16/?)

thats the story. now, for the part i need to talk about. i struggle daily. every single day i am reminded of this traumatic event. i know what you may be thinking. "oh but you didnt get hurt, and no one around you did." wrong. my neighbor was impaled by a 2x4. (17/?)

i know what else you may be thinking. "but your house is fine and you lost nothing. why are you so traumatized?" because natural disasters are traumatic events. your chances of developing ptsd SKYROCKET after going though a natural disaster. (18/?)

anyways, yeah. i struggle. every day. because of a swirly wind cloud. do you know how rediculous that sounds? i feel so invalidated. i feel like whatever happened doesnt matter and that i just need to get over it. i should have to feel that way about my own mental disorder (19/?)

but i do. ive always felt that way. since the day i was diagnosed, ive felt as if my problems weren't valid. the whole point of this was to be as transparent as i possibly could, and to address a thing i saw today on a post. (20/?)

"just suck it up. it happens to the best of us." "why should we go out of our way to cater to your disorder?" "just get over it. its in the past." "you weren't hurt, get over it" thats all the shit ive been hearing about ptsd today. im sick of it. (21/?)

the least someone could possibly do is to be respectful and avoid the topics of the triggers as best as possible. it may not be your fault that we're like this, but its not ours either. please, please just respect that. (22/?)

if you made it to the end, i truly do love you. thank you for sticking around and listening to my story. i really needed to get it out there so i could maybe get a little extra support or encouragement to keep going, because i really need it right now. <3

-Brooke (23/23)