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It’s hard to understand how much my dog meant to me, and how I’m struggling now after having to leave him behind, because I’ve never felt this way towards anyone, definitely not my family nor friends. High school was an ugly stage in life as I stopped caring about everything—
That mattered. I pushed myself away from the last few people that cared about me and didn’t realize it until I was in my cold little corner with an invisible wall built in front of me. I was physically exhausted. I slept 12+ hours a day, skipping lunches and—
Classes. I stopped replying to my friends. I don’t know what I was doing most of the time, but all I know is that my emotions were muted; I didn’t feel much for anything anymore. Every day felt too long as I had nothing to do but stare at the wall. I spent my time alone and—
while I didn’t cherish that, I felt like I HAD to because I was in too much pain to care about much anyone else. And then I graduated and I got to be with my dog for the first time. I would feel HAPPY when he ran around in the grass, chasing butterflies and pigeons. It was a—
magical feeling. I realized that no matter how I felt about myself, my dog needed someone to take care of him. I took him to the vet every month and I felt responsible. I don’t like talking, I can’t stress this enough, but I was more than willing to change my tone for him—
Because he would react happily to my enthusiastic voice. I had something to live for. He needed me, and he was there for me when I did, and we eventually became very close... but all those months I knew in the back of my head that I would have to leave him eventually. When I—
had to leave for the airport on the last day, I was sitting on the sofa crying and I think he realized something was going on bc he came to cuddle next to me. I don’t think I realized how attached I was to him until I actually left Korea. He was the single thread I was hanging—
on to, and without it, I felt the same way as I did back a few years ago when I had no purpose. I don’t know if this attachment—this obsession—is healthy because it is the only reason I want to go back home. I always knew that I would eventually have to leave him but at the same—
time I can’t deal with it. It breaks my heart to think that he would grow up without me. Just because he exists I want to go back to Korea, to an environment I despise. I wish there was a better way to deal with this—but there isn’t. And it sucks. It sucks that I have to choose—
one or the other and it sucks that right now, he is still the only reason I ever felt some kind of happiness or fulfillment in my miserable life. End of thread
