Why Messi won’t join your club an unnecessary thread nobody asked for

Liverpool: Andrew Robertson probably pissed Messi off too much in the 2019 Champions League 2nd leg for him to come to Anfield. Also if you had plans to furlough your staff, you’re automatically disqualified.

Manchester United: You’re only being linked to pressure other teams, so the standard transfer rumor

Chelsea: Just signed Werner, and Ziyech. About to sign Havertz, the United States will cause an uproar when Pulisic is benched for Messi and create controversy.

Spurs: does anyone REALLY want to play for Jose?? Also see Liverpool for plans to furlough.

Arsenal: See furlough, also Kronke is the owner

Manchester City: If Messi wants to underachieve in the champions league, he might as well stay at Barcelona

Bayern: They probably think they are too good for Messi.

Real Madrid: I believe Messi is petty enough to get the president of Barca ran out of the Catalan region. Not sure he’s petty enough to sign with Barca’s biggest rival

PSG: They are going to lose to Bourdeaux and the club will be in shambles and dysfunction

Juve: he ain’t playing with CR7. Higuain will bring back 2014 World Cup memories. Also Pirlo is going to forget to sign him as he lectures the club on his $200 Malbec

Inter: Conte is going to give him a death glare at the press conference and Messi isn’t showing up for training.

Any MLS club: He’s going to hear about TAM and say nah fuck that

Napoli: if you’re going to Italy, why would you go there?

Leeds: Bielsa is going to call him at 4:00am talking about tactics.

Forward Madison: Messi is not going to compete with Mike Vang for playing time.

Any USL club: Messi isn’t risking himself for COVID playing in a baseball stadium

New Amsterdam: Messi is going to get subbed off cause the owner wants to play.

Newell’s Old Boys: You know how you sometimes hate your hometown and you go back and immediately regret it.

Any NISA club: somehow it will be the Cosmos fault if you ask everyone else.