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My Aspiphany: a big long thread.
Hi, I’m autistic. I was diagnosed a few months ago and one of the things I notice is I’m very bad at telling people I’m autistic in a way that isn’t awkward, so like it or lump it. I have a bit to say about it, though: 1/19
Hi, I’m autistic. I was diagnosed a few months ago and one of the things I notice is I’m very bad at telling people I’m autistic in a way that isn’t awkward, so like it or lump it. I have a bit to say about it, though: 1/19
I’m only now starting to understand what it feels like to just be, not to be constantly scared and confused, on the stage without the lines.
It’s an astounding relief to have things explained.
Why I often feel so stupid when I’ve always been told how smart I am... 2/19
It’s an astounding relief to have things explained.
Why I often feel so stupid when I’ve always been told how smart I am... 2/19
... (I used to wonder if someone was paying teachers to give me high marks for some reason, when I was routinely being mocked for not understanding what was going on in social groups).
Why my memories revolve around associations rather than chronology, so it seems ... 3/19
Why my memories revolve around associations rather than chronology, so it seems ... 3/19
... like I’m incredibly forgetful but also remembering too much.
Why I always got the joke last; why I constantly spouted memorised jokes in primary school even when I didn’t understand them; why it used to be so easy to make me the butt of the joke. 4/19
Why I always got the joke last; why I constantly spouted memorised jokes in primary school even when I didn’t understand them; why it used to be so easy to make me the butt of the joke. 4/19
It has to also be a loss, a grief. The understanding that for my entire adult life I’ve chosen to spend my time doing intensely social jobs which have left me exhausted and questioning my sanity – jobs I have wanted to do while also fearing them to the point of nausea. 5/19
Social care. Teaching. Medicine. My writing workshops. Poetry festivals. I still care about helping people. Do I just let all that go? Will some of it become easier if I let other parts go? How do I choose? What do I do instead? What would have happened ... 6/19
...if I had been diagnosed as a child and knew to evaluate my strengths? What are my strengths? How do I know what I would love doing when I’ve never experienced what it feels like to not be eviscerated by my work? 7/19
I’ve been learning a lot – that’s always been my coping strategy. The project of my adult life has been trying to figure out what’s missing, why I seem to be behind a screen.
One of the things I have learned is that I’m one of the very many adult women ... 8/19
One of the things I have learned is that I’m one of the very many adult women ... 8/19
...who was ‘missed’ in childhood because they were socialised to comply, to obey, to fit in, not to make trouble, and to mimic appropriate behaviours. I'm a master mimic.
Another, which I learned recently from the book *Autism and Girls*, is that ... 9/19
Another, which I learned recently from the book *Autism and Girls*, is that ... 9/19
... autistic women are many times more likely to be sexually assaulted and to experience multiple sexual assaults and harms in their lifetimes. This is a sad fact but knowing it helps, strange as that may sound. 10/19
Shortly after I was diagnosed I went to the brilliant play *What I (Don’t) Know about Autism* by Jody O’Neill, herself an autistic woman diagnosed later in life. The woman sitting in front of me asked a question at question time and revealed that she was autistic. 11/19
Afterwards, I approached her and told her that I was too. She was the first person I told after my partner. We abruptly walked away from each other, not bothering to fake proper goodbye rituals. It felt amazing. 12/19
A few weeks after that I publicly disclosed an experience of sexual exploitation I had endured at a poetry festival. I did it to try to protect other women and vulnerable people in the arts – a battle I’m still trying to fight with some brave allies and fellow survivors. 13/19
(see http://wakeupirishpoetry.ie for more on this) 14/19
One of the women who attacked my character online in the wake of this disclosure was one of the actors from the play. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about that. 15/19
It’s said that the #MeToo 
movement may be very helpful for autistic women and girls who have experienced or are experiencing sexual exploitation, as it provides a template and a structure which they can use to speak out. 16/19
movement may be very helpful for autistic women and girls who have experienced or are experiencing sexual exploitation, as it provides a template and a structure which they can use to speak out. 16/19
I don’t want to make this all about that, though I think for a large amount of autistic women and others with other disabilities, it very much is.
I think the main reason I’m writing this is because it’s not okay for you to have to tough it out, to break yourself ... 17/19
I think the main reason I’m writing this is because it’s not okay for you to have to tough it out, to break yourself ... 17/19
... trying to fit in, to just grit your teeth. And it isn’t okay to turn a blind eye to your child’s difficulties and expect them to do that either. It’s dangerous. I don’t think that there was much access to information for parents when I was a child, but there is now. 18/19
I'm looking forward to experiencing peace. 19/19
