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Hey all, taking a lucid moment to... I don& #39;t know, say something, I guess. Just made through one of the lowest and scariest periods of my life so far mental health-wise. It involves exactly what you would expect of that period. Maybe I& #39;ll write a comic about it some day.
I& #39;ll ramble on for a bit and then delete the thread since it is for sure a huge bummer, but I& #39;ve been thinking a lot about "the will to live" as a quantifiable "thing" that you hold in you. I don& #39;t know how to explain it but over the weekend I was depleted of it. Completely empty
It& #39;s not really a thing you think about, but I wrote two Twine games asking myself again and again why exactly that I keep on living. You don& #39;t know that it& #39;s missing until you& #39;re stuck in the deep end without it. Somehow I& #39;ve recovered some of it back, enough to talk to you now.
What is "the will to live"? It& #39;s not anchors that tie you to the living. It& #39;s not obligations or contracts or chores that you do to keep other people happy. When your life feels like it& #39;s yours to end, none of that really matters, only on an aesthetic level, if that makes sense.
There were only two things that I could say gave me the slightest hope of "the will to live": my beard, and BFGD.
I don& #39;t know why it was MY BEARD either! I& #39;ve always loved beards, and have always wanted a beard, and now I have one that is still growing on my face-
I don& #39;t know why it was MY BEARD either! I& #39;ve always loved beards, and have always wanted a beard, and now I have one that is still growing on my face-
-and with it I could feel an emotional and surface-level aesthetic satisfaction. It& #39;s taken me this long to feel like I am growing into myself, to look like who I want to be. For this to end now feels like a waste. And this would be the ONLY thing I would describe as a regret.
The other is BFGD, and this tethered me to the present only in the sense that folks have given me a lot of trust and a lot of support, and I haven& #39;t finished it yet. Although I would have been okay with just leaving it as a script. It is kinda finished in that sense.
Anyway I won& #39;t go into really deep details because it gets as dark and as morbid as you imagine. I do want to talk about what helped me ride it out, though. This is the important bit:
- People reaching out specifically to talk to you during that time.
- Convenience.
- People reaching out specifically to talk to you during that time.
- Convenience.
On that first point, it& #39;s important to note that when you& #39;re depleted, you do not ever ever EVER think about "I want to reach out to this person."
But if a person reaches out to you to say "hey, how are you doing" INSTEAD of "feel free to come to me". That& #39;s A HUGE difference.
But if a person reaches out to you to say "hey, how are you doing" INSTEAD of "feel free to come to me". That& #39;s A HUGE difference.
Initiating the conversation removes the effort and energy it takes the person who has nothing in them to find company. At least this was the case for me. I hugely appreciate anyone who reached out to me with an open invitation. I just wanted to highlight this difference.
During those lowest times, I never had the inclination to reach out. I didn& #39;t want nor had the mind to. But I was able to have one conversation with a friend who listened to me vent. It wasn& #39;t the only thing that pulled me out, but knowing that I had that one convo helped.
On the second point: CONVENIENCE.
I honestly would not have fed myself if I couldn& #39;t buy meals or had cooked meals beforehand to heat up. The convenience and safety in having some nourishment to put in my body helped me to stay alive and ride it out.
I honestly would not have fed myself if I couldn& #39;t buy meals or had cooked meals beforehand to heat up. The convenience and safety in having some nourishment to put in my body helped me to stay alive and ride it out.
Anyway there are a lot more I can talk about. It& #39;s an extremely fascinating albeit extraordinarily dark experience. I& #39;ve learned to dissociate from my brain when I& #39;m stuck in the depths so I could mindlessly walk to buy food and also book an appointment with a GP this Friday.
One more little thought before I go idk watch some speedruns and get some sleep: when you& #39;ve been living with suicidal ideation for as long as I have, your mode of living is no longer "what can I do to survive". It becomes "what can I do to make my time here meaningful."
Because you just know that death is a destination you& #39;re going to hit at one point or another. You don& #39;t imagine yourself living. You know the road is going to end. So you try to make your time here meaningful. That means your will to live isn& #39;t dependent on your will to survive.
I honestly still don& #39;t know what my "will to live" is or how I can quantify or define it. What I do know is that during the deepest darkest times, I wrote two Twine games and made music for another short comic. I still planned on drawing, writing, telling stories about this time.
What I do know is that there& #39;s always another side to that period. Sometimes it& #39;s one evening and one song away. Sometimes it& #39;s three days and thousands of words written.
It always feels like there& #39;s not an end until I jump ship. But there always is an end when I ride it out.
It always feels like there& #39;s not an end until I jump ship. But there always is an end when I ride it out.
Anyway, if you have the energy, if you have fifteen minutes or thirty, initiate a conversation with someone you know who has signaled an ounce of distress. If you& #39;re having a difficult time... get take-outs if you can. Play games. Ride it out. Might as well see how you go.
