LAWTON'S 21 DAY IMMUNITY PLAN:

Don't buy that idiot quack's cashgrab book. Select a doughnut, sit back and relax, whilst I show you how to build immunity in 21 days FOR FREE:

1. Acquire one human body and prepare space for one innate immune system, one complement system, and one adaptive immune system.
2. Get some pluripotent haemapoetic stem cells (try Poundland or Aldi). Warm to 37°C.

3. Differentiate these cells into myeloid stem cells, lymphoid stem cells, and dendritic cells.

4. Put aside your lymphoid stem cells for now. Focus on your myeloid stem cells. They'll produce some megakaryoctes (which become platelets) and reticulocytes (which become red blood cells) but you can forget about these for the minute.

5. Some of the myeloid stem cells will produce myeloblasts. These will become neutrophils or eosinophils or basophils or monocytes.

6. If the basophils leave the blood and enter the body tissues you prepared earlier, call them mast cells instead. This is primarily to annoy medical students.

7. Similarly, if any of the monocytes in the blood enter body tissues, change their name to macrophages just to really piss off the medical students. I can't emphasise how important this step is (for some reason). If you forget to do this, your immune system won't work.

8. If you've done everything right and not cut corners by using an electric whisk, you should now have an INNATE IMMUNE SYSTEM.
9. The function of eosinophils is to kill parasites, the function of basophils is to stipple on a blood film. I don't know either. Ask a haematologist.

10. Leave your innate immune system in the fridge for a bit whilst you focus on your complement system.

11. Is it called the complement system because it complements your innate system's ability to mop up pathogens? I don't know. I learnt nothing from St Mary's ID because I was tired. I mean fucking hell what a ridiculous commute from all the normal, Jewish parts of London.

12. Anyway, smack your liver with a pipe wrench until it coughs up the necessary proteins to make an awesomely named MEMBRANE ATTACK COMPLEX. It's basically a limpet mine to attach to the side of pathogens and blow them open so their insides all leak out and they die.

13. Leave the innate immune system and the complement system in your body (at this point I'm curious where you managed to acquire a human body from in the first place)

14. Ok, the adaptive immune system. Head back to day 4 and grab your lymphoid stem cells. Put some of them in the bone marrow to mature and call them B cells. Put others in the thymus to mature and call them T cells.

15. Allow these cells to gently differentiate into those that express CD4+ (your T helper cells) and those that express CD8+ (your cytotoxic T cells). The lymphoid stem cells can also become Natural Killer cells, which would be a half decent name for a medicine-themed rapper.

16. Ok so the basic gist of your ADAPTIVE IMMUNE SYSTEM is that dendritic cells pick up bits of antigen from pathogens and travel to the lymph glands where they show this antigen off like that gory war trophy your grandad has in his shed.

17. Eventually, they'll show it to B cells and T cells that recognise the antigen and they'll go to war. The B cells will become plasma cells that are like little antibody factories. These antibodies attach to pathogens and help T cells to destroy them.

18. The B cells also produce memory cells so that any subsequent exposure to this pathogen is dealt with much quicker.
19. The cytotoxic T cells identify infected body cells and destroy them with all the fury of the CIA shutting down a central American socialist revolution.

20. The innate immune system is fast and non specific. The adaptive immune system is slower but can target specific pathogens, and allows the body to learn so that the next infection by the same organism is terminated much faster.

21. The immune system requires plenty of nutrients to work best, so ensure that you rotate your daily doughnut in the Krispy Kreme 12-pack to ensure optimum performance.

Fin

(this thread is what happens when my wife has the car and I have to take public transport across london)