In about an hour and 45 minutes, will mark exactly 365 days to the MINUTE that part of my soul left this earth. I’ve been through a lot, but I never dreamed even in my NIGHTMARES that I would ever have to face the world without my big brother.

I never thought that I would ever have to face anything quite like this. I’ve lost more than my fair share of people. Grandparents. Aunts, uncles. A boyfriend. But all of those pale in comparison to loosing him.

It’s not fair. I’m still angry. I still cry. I still scream. I still wake up gasping for breath, wishing it wasn’t real. I really do, that’s not even an exaggeration. I know that my life will never be quite the same as it was.

It breaks my heart in such an unendurable way to know that he will never see me get married, graduate from college, or have children, and be the Uncle Mike to them that I had growing up.

This is the deepest, most agonizing thing I have ever been through. I would do anything, ANYTHING for him to be back here. We weren’t speaking we he died. It was because he couldn’t make time for family. Even a phone call, he was notorious for that.

The last thing he ever said to me was “You’re going to regret saying these things to me one day.” I didn’t know how right he would be. I just wanted him to talk to me, to be a part of my life. He was my only sibling. And now he’s gone. Forever. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m so sorry.

And the only thing I am left to do, is pick up the infinitesimal shattered pieces of myself, and live forever with this guilt I carry.

Sorry guys, the words flowed, and I rode the wave. It fucking sucks, and I hate this. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I don’t know how people survive like this. I really don’t.

I miss you Michael Todd, I always fucking will. I will never forget you, and I WILL see you again one day. I love you so much, and I’m so goddamn sorry, brother https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🖖🏽" title="„Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: „Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🖖🏽" title="„Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: „Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🖖🏽" title="„Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)" aria-label="Emoji: „Live long and prosper!“ (mittlerer Hautton)">