I just evicted a spider the size of marmaduke from my house. He tried hard to follow all the Spider Rules but he had the misfortune to be approximately one thousand times too large and I'm not prepared to add him to the lease

The Spider Rules state that you can live inside as long as you

✓ Try to stay hidden (even if you're not good at hiding)
✓ Don't go FAST
✓ Stay off the furniture
✓ Never touch a person

After tonight I'm adding a new rule:
✓ You must be smaller than a Shetland pony

Also this was the most photogenic spider I've ever had the pleasure to meet and I'm desperately trying to figure out how to post photos without electrocuting the nervous system of every arachnophobe who follows me. Advice on this point is welcome, this king deserves the spotlight

Here are photos of the Dave Bautista-sized spider I cordially invited to leave my home this evening. Obvious content warning for a spider that would make Shelob feel insecure http://imgur.com/gallery/I6DmsvM 

I deeply regret to inform y'all that apparently this dude was only visible to me tonight because he was tryna shoot web https://twitter.com/danaoshee/status/1298138658013188096?s=19

ICYMI check out these Wide Arachnid Pedipalps https://twitter.com/gaileyfrey/status/1298132348630794241?s=19