Truly, it’s days like this when I wish I were still doing comedy. I’ve already got a tight five on this.

I mean, if my phone can identify different cats by their faces, you’d think it could have interrupted Jerry Falwell like, “It looks like you’re sending naked pics of your wife to your coworkers. Are you sure about that, pal?”

Y’all hated Clippy but tell me things wouldn’t be a lot better with “It looks like you’re trying to send a dick pic to someone not in your contacts. Should I:
* cancel the message?
* CC your mom?”

Liberty U says Falwell has resigned; Falwell says he hasn’t, so clearly someone is in the Bill Barr School of Management down there.

Anyway, I know we can all be grateful for one less reason to buy Michael Cohen’s book in a couple weeks.

Falwell will be welcomed back by evangelicals in less than 6 months, but Cohen’s book sales may never recover. A moment of silence, plz.

Liberty U’s code of conduct regulates the duration of hugs, but weirdly does not seem to specify what duration of watching your spouse get railed by your personal trainer is acceptable.

Also, kind of morbidly curious: was it the pool boy and THEN the personal trainer? Or were the Falwells cheating on the pool boy with the trainer?

Character matters, ppl.

Isn’t it like 1 Timothy where the qualifications of a leader in the church are spelled out: must be the husband of but one wife, and swing with but one personal services vendor at a time...

We are not deviants, after all. We are upright, God-fearing folk.

Anyway, shout out to all my other evangelical purity culture refugees who are finding it SO CATHARTIC to make these jokes.