It’s my birthday tomorrow & I’m feeling a bit reflective so if you’ll permit the self indulgence of a woman much closer to 60 than to forty, I wanted to tell you a few things I’ve learnt. Scroll on if you’d rather, I understand the insignificance of a middle aged woman’s opinion.

Nothing you ever do will affect the lives of others more than your capacity to love & be loved. If you weren’t shown how then you can learn. You’ll get hurt, but nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Being hurt isn’t a justification to cause hurt. That’s an excuse not a reason.

“A family” my mum once told me “is whoever you find behind a front door”. Make yours a safe and happy one for you and everyone in it. (Even if that’s just you and a goldfish). There is no “one way” to do anything as long as it’s legal. Find a way that works for everyone, equally.

If you find your joy, pursue it. You can’t get back time. As you get older they’ll be many reasons and even more people, who’ll tell you why what you dream is wrong and what you hope for won’t happen. I’m very serious when I say fuck them. Don’t let their fear infect you.

Never have sex with someone to make them like you or against your will. Those are the only rules. (Within the law) Shame is manmade. Sex is natural & healthy (within the law) If it’s not for you that’s natural too. Never trust an amateur “expert”, they’re unreliable witnesses.

Get a pension. That’s the whole of my financial advice.

If you become a family carer, you’ll find an entire seam of resources within yourself, you never knew. Strength isn’t a preserve of the few,we all have it,it’s just most never need to use it. Make sure you take breaks & if your only comment about yourself is “I’m fine”,you’re not

Try not to be a dick but if you can’t avoid it, learn how to apologise and also learn to accept apologies. Not forced bullshit ones but genuine ones do heal. Try not to carry anger but forgetting isn’t always possible. If you still have a mum, tell her you love her more often.

Eat more fibre.