Oh, I did have something else to say: I was encouraged recently, in the spirit of self-generosity, to think about whether my procrastination might have once had protective value

(You know, to think about whether it is not actually a moral failing or just the way I was born or whatever other thing we say to ourselves to justify hating ourselves over something like this)

And it turns out that yes, it makes total sense that one wouldn't want to start activities that require a ton of focus, because when you grow up in an unstable, abusive household, the most important thing to be is vigilant

So... what if you're not avoiding work, what if the idea of getting into a flow state, where you are devoting less than total focus to protection, feels legitimately dangerous to you and makes you actually afraid to consider?

That would seem to indicate that feeling safe allows you to be more productive. And how many of us actually feel safe, have ever felt safe, even a little bit?

This is a lot of grace that I'm not quite willing to give myself yet but I hope it helps someone else