God help me, this is about to happen. Very slowly. If you wish to avoid this malarkey, best mute #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes now. For the rest of you, here we go. Very slowly. https://twitter.com/ChrisHewitt/status/1297851411787583489

So, I made a LONG list of contenders, and then used a random generator to draw each group. I'm going to, where poss, remind you of each theme tune in each group before putting up the poll. First up: Group A (obvs), already dubbed The Group Of Death! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

The first contender, something of a sleazy classic. This could be from virtually any 70s sitcom, but it's actually from On The Buses. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Contender #2. As many of you pointed out, each iteration of Howard Goodall's Blackadder theme is different enough to warrant inclusion. This is the first, from The Black Adder, complete with funny lyrics and triumphant brass. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

There's an argument that Ronnie Hazlehurst is the greatest TV theme tune composer of all time (Mike Post and Alan Hawkshaw are also contenders). Here's his elegant theme from The Fall And Rise Of Reginald Perrin. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

And rounding out Group A is the underdog of the group, but this always makes me chuckle. So here it is: Nick Ingman's theme for Keeping Up Appearances. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

And so... to the vote! #VoteandRT if you fancy. I’ll be back later with Group B, which some have already dubbed the Group Of Death.

Oh, and as this is so huge I may only put through the winner of each group. So vote wisely! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

I think I’ve made a mistake by putting all the Blackadder themes in separate groups. Might have to look at that... #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

A resounding win for The Black Adder, which was a surprise. I've decided to keep the Blackadder themes apart -- they're going to have stiff competition later. But I'm disappointed that my fave, Reggie Perrin, fared so poorly. Onto Group B! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

The contenders. OK, full disclosure: I needed to round it up, and basically chose this one at random. It's Three Up Two Down, the 80s Michael Elphick/Angela Thorne BBC sitcom. A minor Hazlehurst, this, but it has its charms: #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Next up, perhaps the shortest theme tune in contention. All 17 seconds of the xylo/glock-tastic theme from Peter Kay (and Dave Spikey, and Neil Fitzmaurice)'s peerless Phoenix Nights. This was my ringtone back in the day. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Third, and another short one: the jaunty theme from Count Arthur Strong. Couldn't find this on YouTube, but here it is for your listening pleasure. https://www.studiotinto.com/project/count-arthur-strong-title-sequence/ #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Rounding out Group B is a big old meaty slab of pure Grade-A, 100% proof Hazlehurst. The wistful, mournful theme from Last Of The Summer Wine. Yep. Try rolling down a hill in a bathtub to this bucolic beauty. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Enough squabbling. Let’s vote! I’m going to give this one a couple of hours. Vote, RT, spread the word. I’ll be back soon for Group C, which many people are calling the Group Of Death. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Huge congrats to Compo, Foggy and Clegg, and Last Of The Summer Wine goes through to the knockouts. Now, as it's late, I'm going to run Group C and Group D, and leave them open for voting overnight. These are the Groups Of Death, folks! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Group C first, then. And we start with the pitch-perfect DRAMATIC NEWS PROGRAMME parody (and generally banging tune) of the great Drop The Dead Donkey, a sitcom that isn't talked about as often as it should be. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Enough of you demanded it, so here it is: the theme song from Absolutely Fabulous, aka This Wheel's On Fire, sung by Julie Driscoll and Ade Edmondson. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

This is the first Neil Hannon cracker in the competition. It won't be the last. If you can get @divinecomedyhq to write your theme tune, get @divinecomedyhq to write your theme tune. The IT Crowd, everyone. Walk around it. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Rounding off Group C with this. Lots of you asked if I would include pre-existing songs. Well, yes, or we're going to rule out a LOT of themes. So, here's (some of) Oasis' Half The World Away, aka The Royle Family. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

To the polls! I’m hitting the hay soon, and I’m sure many of you are too, or have already hit it, so I’m letting this run until 8am tomorrow. But do vote, do RT, do spread the word about my terrible experiment! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

And then into the last part of tonight's double bill: Group D. D for DEATH! Or Damneddifficult, which is what this choice is going to be. First, the contenders! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

First up... I promise you this is from a comedy. And what a comedy. Briers! Wilton! Egan! Midlife crises all over the shop! Ennui! It's Ever Decreasing Circles, opening with a slice of Shostakovich. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes #GroupD

Next, we have one of the greatest sitcoms of all time, and a theme to match. It's Old Ned, aka Ron Grainer's theme tune from Steptoe And Son. Altogether now: "you dirty old man!" #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Friends, this is what we call a dark horse. It's the incredibly slinky theme tune from Ronnie Corbett's Sorry!, written by Gaynor Colbourn and Hugh Wisdom and arranged by Ronnie Hazlehurst. So, so good. Sorry!, but it is. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

I'm going to round out Group D with a bit of raw sax. At least, I think it's sax. It might be a piano. I have terrible ears. Anyhoo, it's Men Behaving Badly, by Alan Lisk. No terrible dancing here, sadly. All I could find. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Right, then, to voting! Again, I’ll let this run until tomorrow morning. Vote and RT, if that’s your bag. And I’ll see you back here for Group E, which many people are already calling ‘the Group Of Death’. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

If you love the Sorry! theme, here's Matt Berry's version of it from his rather wonderful Television Themes album. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Sorry for the delay, folks, but we're back with the #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes. First of all, I must announce the winners of Group C and D. Group C was taken by The Royle Family. I thought Ab Fab and The IT Crowd might put up more of a fight. But the big shock was in Group D.

Where, incredibly, Men Behaving Badly triumphed, beating one of the pre-tournament favourites, Steptoe And Son, and the majesty of Sorry! I'm sorry, Timothy. The people have let you down. Anyway, I'll run Groups E and F together now. HOLD TIGHT! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Into Group E, then. John Shakespeare once wrote a tune for a music library. He called it Bell Hop. That same tune was later dusted off by the BBC and plonked onto the seminal marriage sitcom, Terry And June. Behold. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Hang on, so the theme tune for one of the greatest BBC sitcoms of all time was written and performed by Eric Idle? I don't believe it! Here's One Foot In The Grave, folks. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

I always had a soft spot for Rik Mayall's Marks-and-Gran-penned ITV politicom, The New Statesman. Here's the theme tune, arranged by the great Alan Hawkshaw, and part of Modest Mussorgsky's Promenade. Thanks, Google! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Finally, Are You Being Served? Another Ronnie Hazlehurst belter, this time co-written by David Croft. Interestingly, the show predates Pink Floyd's Money, and its cash register percussion, by a few months. Coinkidink? #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

To the polls, then. As ever, please do vote, RT if you can. Voting ends at 8pm. And if you've already muted this thread, I can't blame you and you won't be able to see this anyway. Back soon with Group F, which some are calling the Group Of Death. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Straight into Group F. No hanging around. And my word, this has got some big guns in it. There's going to be blood on the walls by the end of this. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

"It's cold outside, no kind of atmosphere..." Probably the most requested tune (I already had it on my list, you can relax!), it's the Red Dwarf theme. Written by Howard Goodall, sung by Jenna Russell. Mango juice, anyone? #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Next up: Ronnie Hazlehurst again, with Yes Minister, which he apparently called 'the easiest thing' he had ever written. Blimey, chief! Love this: classy and elegant. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Carla Lane sitcoms tend to have good theme tunes, and Butterflies was no exception. Here, it takes Dolly Parton's Love Is Like A Butterfly, and absolutely Hazlehursts the hell out of it, with vocals from Clare Torry. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Incidentally, Clare Torry is the singer from The Great Gig In The Sky on Dark Side Of The Moon. Must everything come round to Pink Floyd? Probably, yes. Anyway, one more to go in Group F... #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

When I said there was going to be blood on the walls... Group F will come down, surely, to Red Dwarf or Neil Hannon's theme from Father Ted. And yes, I know it's technically an Irish sitcom, but my poll, my rules, my coffee. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Neil would go on to repurpose the Father Ted theme as Songs Of Love, and place it on the Casanova album. Still one of my favourite Divine Comedy tracks. And when the Ted 'theme' breaks in halfway through, it's simply lovely. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

And so, to the votes! I don't envy anyone this choice. This is a toughie. Vote if you please, RT if you can, spread the word. Tell the people this madness is happening! Back later with Group G, which some people are calling the Group Of Death. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

And 28 minutes left in Group F... Red Dwarf winning by a mile. Can Father Ted close the gap? #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

We have the latest results! In Group E, One Foot In The Grave destroyed the competition and now has Two Feet In The Next Round, while the Dwarfers came out in force to defeat Father Ted. Which I would argue is the biggest elimination so far. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Now onto Group G. But before we begin, as this is about theme tunes, do try to take some time to listen to the themes beforehand, and then vote for the best one. I have a suspicion some people are voting for their favourite shows. Don't Brexit this! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Group G gets off to a flier with the delightful Domino, by Jack Twombey, from 1980s ITV sitcom Never The Twain, starring Donald Sinden and Windsor Davies. Again, a theme that is much better than the show it accompanied. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Are you ready to enter Garth Marenghi's Darkplace? This spot-on 80s cop/sci-fi show parody is not, as claimed, by Stig Baasvik (based on melodies originally whistled by Garth Marenghi), but by Andrew 'No Relation' Hewitt. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

'Ere's a jaunty little ditty! The closing theme from the classic Ronnie Barker sitcom, Porridge, by Max Harris; deliberately chirpy as a counterpoint to the prison-set lolz, innit. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Look, you bastards, I found this clip by Googling 'bottom opening', so God knows what horrors are going to show up in my adverts. It's Rik'n'Ade, it's Richie'n'Eddie, it's The Bum Notes with a BB King cover. It's Bottom. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

OK, let's get voting. This is another heavy-duty set of contenders. My heart says one thing, my head says another, my bottom says yet another. Up to you. Voting ends just before midnight. Vote, RT, spread the word. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

No delay! Group H beckons. The group that many people are calling 'the group of death'. Mainly because there's quite a bit of death in the following shows. And a shitload of Bolam. Onwards! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Straight in with this mournful theme from Open All Hours (Ronnie Barker again, eh?). Performed by that man Max Harris, written by Joseph Ascher, it's called Alice, Where Art Thou? Nowt to do with Nurse Gladys. Weird. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Let's keep the H-A-P-P-Y going, shall we? The ITV hospital-set sitcom, Only When I Laugh, starred James Bolam and Peter Bowles, and was blessed with this lugubrious Bolam-'sung' earworm, courtesy of composer Ken Jones. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

This is a little more upbeat: Frank Renton's dynamic, drum-and-brass (ahem) theme from The Brittas Empire. Doesn't quite capture the sheer insanity of this show, but I love it nonetheless. Altogether now: 'Yesmrbrittas!'
#WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Let's bow out with some fast Bolam: the theme from Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads? I always thought this was performed by Bolam and Rodney Bewes. Nope: written by Mike Hugg and Ian La Frenais, and sung by Tony Rivers. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

By a quirk of the draw, I don't think this group has a single serious contender. But you never know. Time to vote for Group H. You know the drill -- vote, RT etc.. Later on I'll do Groups I and J, which some people are calling the groups of death. #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes

Holy hell, The Likely Lads are beating The Brittas Empire by just one percent. Will they win? Is their theme tune really the best? Vote now... time is running out! #WorldCupOfBritishSitcomThemes