»ℐ 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓇𝓎 𝓈𝒾𝓃𝑔𝓁𝑒 𝓅𝒶𝓇𝓉 𝑜𝒻 𝓎𝑜𝓊«

AU - Chuuya's questioning how /human/ he is because the last weeks were too hard
And Dazai wants to help him, showing a completely different side of him, facing his own feelings.

NSFW
___

for @Chibikko_Chuuya

Chuuya takes a deep breath, as he takes a look at the clock.
It's already 9 pm, and when he thinks about all the reports he has to finish until tomorrow, he doesn't know /how/ he's supposed to do it.

As soon as he and Dazai cam back from a mission, his partner bolts with a

wide grin on his fucking handsome face.
Knowing full well, that Chuuya will finish everything, including Dazais reports.
As always.

/I have to test out some new things. So thanks for doing my reports. They aren't many. I'll see you later, Princess./

"Lazy shithead", Chuuya mutters and sighs, "Not many, huh? Fuck you."

He doesn't only work for two, he feels as if he's working for four if that's enough.

/You know, these reports are /soooo/ boring. Be a good dog and do this stuff for me. I'll reward you later./

Chuuya sighs, and leans back, closing his eyes for a while.
The last /weeks/ were too hard for him.

He feels as if his job tries to kill him every second, even though he still /loves/ what he's doing. It's only too much.
Too much has happened, and he doesn't know how to handle

everything any longer.

He has lost some of his subordinates two weeks ago during a mission, which went horribly wrong.
It should be an easy going, but when he and Dazai arrived everything has slipped out of their hands.

Every time he closes his eyes he hears them screaming.

Chuuya has never heard such painful screams and it's driving him insane.

Especially when he thinks about his behavior at that moment.

He only stood there, was unable to move a single finger. His brain was unable to process what has happened. Why everything went wrong.

They had a plan and it was a /good/ plan. But still...
It wasn't good enough.

And in the next second, he lost control over himself and anything else.

He still feels how the chains broke, and he wasn't able to control himself any longer.

Although everybody still tries to tell him that it's /not/ his fault, he doesn't believe them.
Chuuyas mind tells him, that it's /his/ fault. He could have avoided it. He only needed to be faster. Nothing else.

It fucking hurts to feel so useless, although he has so much

power inside.
He's still too weak if he's not able to protect the people he loves...

And if he has thought that it couldn't get even worse, he has been totally wrong.
Again everything has slipped out of his control.

Some days ago he has made another /big/ mistake.

He doesn't know why /these/ words have left his mouth. The only thing he knows is, that Dazai behaves completely differently since then.

Chuuya wouldn't say that the demon prodigy has turned into the devil himself, it's more quite the opposite, but that doesn't mean that Dazai

makes it easier for him.

If Chuuya's honest, he struggles even more since then.
He doesn't know if he should feel empty, useless, and powerless, or weak...

All he knows is, that he starts to question himself if he's still /human/ at all.

Chuuya really needs a break of /everything/ to get a clearer head. He can't concentrate any longer and the letters start to blur, while the papers are getting wet.

He's a mess.

He's lost and empty.

He's a monster.

The feelings are torturing him as if he's in hell.

And he can't deny how jealous he is about Dazai, who's a master in hiding and locking away his feelings, /if/ he's generally able to feel at all.

Chuuya throws his pen away and takes a deep breath, while he tries to wipe his tears away. But it's hopeless.

He is /hopeless/.

Chuuya doesn't know how much time has passed until he calmed down a bit.
All he knows is, that he's finally able to open a bottle of Rivesaltes from 1932 and pours the liquid slowly into his glass.

He turns around with his office chair, away from the desk

and rolls a bit towards the window.
He tries to enjoy the view over the port of Yokohama, together with the smell of his wine.

It's a mix of roasted almonds combined with chocolate and caramel.

He takes a small sip, closing his eyes once again, while he swallows the

sweet liquid, and he loses himself even more in his thoughts.

In the morning he had the perfect plan for the evening. All he wanted to do was to relax and not getting a /breakdown/.

He wanted to cook something delicious when he's done with work, and most of all he

wanted to enjoy his wine while taking a relaxing bath.

So much for that.
He should've known better.
As always.

Chuuya is so lost in his terrible thoughts, that he doesn't even realize that he's no longer alone in their office.

He jerks as soon as he feels the hands of someone on his shoulders, nearly throwing his glass away.

"Jesus fucking Christ", he tries to yell at the person, even though his voice /cracks/ and he needs to clear his throat, "Are you fucking insane, shitty Dazai? What the fuck is

is wrong with you?"

The redhead takes a deep breath, desperately trying to calm his heartbeat and his nerves down.

"Nothing is wrong, Chuuya. Aside of the fact that you sound like shit", he mutters in a smooth tone, while he starts to stroke over Chuuyas neck, "I just wanted

to take a look at what you're doing."

Chuuya tilts his head down, savors the moment how Dazais long fingers are moving tenderly over his sensitive neck. Even though it hurts because he knows it means nothing at all.

"As you can see, I take a break, before I lose my mind

/again/, just because you're so /fucking/ lazy", the redhead murmurs, and it's scary how hoarse his voice is, "But I'm glad you're back. Do me a favor and write your fucking reports on your own."

Dazai raises his brows and sighs quietly.
Chuuya sounds so /wounded/ and

/frustrated/.

And if he's honest he has changed a lot in the last days. Dazai feels as if he tries to avoid him.
They've only talked to each other if it was necessary. And /if/ they have talked Chuuya avoided eye contact with him all the time.
And Dazai thinks he knows

the reason behind it, because everything has started after Chuuya accidentally has said /these/ words, because Dazai has changed since then, too.

He turns his head to the desk and takes a look at the reports. Realizing that some of them are wet. And it /hurts/ him to see, that

Chuuya suffers so much.

"You know I won't do them", he starts and sighs, turning his head back, "I've never done them before, and that'll never change."

"Fuck you! I'm not your slave. Maybe I should really throw you out of the window you—"

"What if I have a /better/ idea?",

Dazai cuts him off, spinning the chair around to face Chuuya.

And he needs to swallow.
/Hard/.
Chuuya looks so miserable. His eyes are red, swollen, and there're still tears in the corner of his eyes.

"Chuuya...", his voice is so quiet, a mere whisper.

"What?", Chuuyas voice /cracks/ again, and he turns his face away, "Do you still think that you're able to have a better idea than writing the fucking reports on your own?"

Dazai stays quiet for a while, and leans lightly against the desk, putting his hands

in his pockets, while his shoulders are sinking down.

He knows that it was hard for Chuuya in the last weeks, but he /never/ expected that he could feel /so/ bad. Although Chuuya has given him some hints,... he didn't take it seriously and now he feels like /shit/.

"Yeah— I still think that", he says quietly.

"As if! You know what? Just... leave me alone. Move your fucking ass out of our office. At least you're good at it."

"Chuuya—"

"No. /Shut/ up. Or enjoy the view, make your fucking jokes as always, and then /go/."

Dazai inhales slowly, trying to process what happens right now. He never saw Chuuya like this.

"Why should I enjoy this view? Why should I make jokes about it?", he asks, and he's surprised that he's able to stay calm.

"Because you're always doing it. Because you're a

fucking piece of shit, who gives a /fuck/ of others and their feelings!", Chuuya tries to scream at him, but it stays a try. His voice is still hoarse and now even trembling.

"You think so, huh?"

It hurts. It hurts more than a goddamn bullet.

"I don't /only/ think so!"

Dazai gives him a questioning look, knowing that it's still not over.
But he'll not complain about it. He'll take everything, as long as Chuuya feels better afterward. It is the least he can do for him.

"I /know/ it! You're always running away. From everything.

As soon as you have to deal with feelings you /chicken out/! And do you know what's the worst?"

Dazai shakes his head.

"That you give a shit about me! You don't care at all. All you do is bullying me. You're giving me a kick in my ass every fucking day. Since the day we met!"

"Ouch!"

It's hard to hear it, even though he knows it's the truth. He knows that he treats Chuuya like shit - most of the time. But he has a reason for his behavior. A reason Chuuya doesn't know.

And Dazai thought Chuuya would understand it, he should know that he doesn't

do anything /without/ a reason.
But he's wrong.
Totally wrong.

"Does it hurt?", Chuuya hisses, "Oh, I'm not sorry. I'm only sorry for saying /these/ words to you. I've should know better. You're not able to understand that. It was the biggest mistake I've ev—"

/Smack!/

Chuuya winces of pain, lifting one hand to his abused cheek. It burns already like hell, and he feels how his cheek turns even redder.
The smaller one sobs quietly, while his feelings are trying to crush him.

"Did you just slap me?"

"Are you done?", Dazai snarls.

Chuuya strays quiet, swallowing hard, while he strokes over his cheek.

"Fuck you. I /hate/ you", he sobs after a while, desperately trying to stay as calm as possible.

"We both know that you /don't/ hate me, Chuuya", Dazai sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose.

Chuuya truly forced him to slap his beautiful face. And Dazai feels even more like /shit/ about it. But if he hasn't slapped him, Chuuya would never calm down and start listening.

"However. Are you gonna talk to me what's wrong with you?"

"I already told you what's—"

"No you /don't/. So calm down and talk to me. And stop prevaricate. Otherwise, I'm not able to /help/ you."

Chuuya turns his head slightly towards Dazai, and he doesn't know /why/ but the taller one sounds honest, and it doesn't make sense to him.
Why should Dazai help him,

when he's bullying him all the time, trying to make his life a living hell?
Chuuya takes a deep breath, wiping his tears away, while he tries to sort everything.

"Why would you care? Care about me, huh?", he mutters, hugging his legs tightly.

Dazai sighs and closes his visible eye for some seconds.

He knew that, sooner or later, exact this day would come. He knew it for months already.
But it's still hard for him to deal with his feelings. Especially after Chuuya has said /these/ words to him a while ago.

Because he doesn't know if he's able to give him what he needs.
It's something he isn't used to, and it scares him.

"Because you're important to me", he retorts, "More important than anything else."

Chuuya tries to choke a laugh - utterly unsuccessful.

"Important. My ass!", Chuuya shakes his head, hugging his legs even more, while he puts his chin on his knees, "Be honest. It's only a game, isn't it?"

"No", he sighs, "It's for once no /fucking/ game. Trust me, please."

"Trust you?", Chuuya lets out a sobbing laugh,

"It's not really easy to trust someone, who behaves like an asshole all the time."

"Have I ever given you a reason /not/ to trust me?"

Chuuya narrows his eyes, of course, Dazai needs to make this move.

"It's different, Dazai! It's different if you have to trust someone

because of your work, as trusting someone when it's about your own /feelings/."

"That doesn't answer my question."

Chuuya rolls with his eyes and takes a sip of his wine.

"No you /didn't/. But that doesn't change anything", he mutters, slowly loosens his grip around his legs.

"Are you sure? Why don't you try it? I mean, I thought we're /friends/, even though we're friends with benefits, but that doesn't change the fact that we're still friends", he inhales deeply, "And I guess friends should trust each other."

Chuuya falls quiet, eyeing him out of

the corner of his eyes.

Dazai has a point.
It's true.
Friends should trust each other. But if your friend's named Dazai it's /hard/, and easier said than done.

Chuuya can't force himself to talk, it feels as if someone tries to strangle him, as soon as he tries to open his

mouth.
So instead of trying it once again, he takes another gulp until his glass is empty.
Dazai sighs, and remains silent. Although it hurts, that Chuuya does not want to talk to him. Maybe it's his own fault. Maybe he has ruined it.
Everything with Chuuya. Because he's a human

disaster.
He can't even blame him.

Dazai fucked it up - as always.
No matter how hard he tries, everything that's important to him slips out of his hands.

Sure, he could force Chuuya to talk to him, but he knows that everything would get even worse. Instead, he takes

Chuuyas wine glass and refills it. Taking a small sip before handing it over.
Both stay silent for nearly an eternity. There's only now and then a quiet sob of Chuuya, nothing else, until...

"I feel so... empty, and lost", his voice is so quiet that Dazai can barely hear

him, "And I feel like a fucking /monster/."

Chuuya takes another sip and leans back, still avoiding Dazais look, who's totally confused at that moment.

"Why? Even though you're definitely not a monster", he inhales shortly, trying to hide his pain in his voice,

"Why do you feel so? I mean, you have /no/ reason for it."

Chuuya exhales shakily, forcing himself to look at Dazai.
Another big mistake.
He has never seen him with such a painful look in his eye.

"It's my fault. Everything is my fault."

/Oh./

"Chuuya—"

Chuuya shakes

his head, rubbing his eyes with one hand, while he tries /not/ to cry again. Even if it's hard because it still hurts so much.

"Don't. Don't say it's not my fault. I could have avoided it if I had been faster. We both know, it's a fact. /I/ have killed them, Dazai. Not you,

neither the mafia, it was /me/", his voice trembles, "That's why I am a monster. I fucking /killed/ our people. They're dead because I was too slow."

Dazai hasn't expected that the smaller one would blame himself for what has happened.

Despite that he knows how /much/ Chuuya cares about his subordinates, about the people he loves.
The smaller one cares so much about everybody in the mafia, that Dazai's /scared/ that Chuuya will break one day.
Nobody can take on a burden without shattering into thousand

small pieces.

And Dazai can't let it happen. He can't allow it, because he knows that he'll shatter, too.

"I know that everybody told you the same, but it's not your fault, Chuuya. Stop blaming yourself. Even if we were faster, we weren't able to avoid it."

"Stop. Please. I know I could have saved them if I—", he blubbers out, while shaking his head.

Dazai inhales slowly, and it's the first time in his life where he has absolutely /no/ plan. He feels helpless. And this feeling is frightening.

So he falls silent again, trying

to find the right words.

These emotional things are so exhausting, too hard to understand. Especially when he feels as if he's on a knife-edge.
The taller one /can/ make everything better, or everything even worse at the same time.
And he doesn't know if Chuuya's waiting

for an answer or not. If he's honest he doesn't know /anything/.

Dazai pinches the bridge of his nose and closes his eye, trying to feel less miserable, while he's thinking about his possibilities.
He needs to find a solution as fast as....

"I am not even /human/. So why

do I feel like shit? Why am I sad, broken and empty at the same time, huh?", Chuuya sobs and his voice trembles even more, "Why am I feeling this, when I know that I'm a /monster/?"

Dazai opens his eye and takes a look at him, swallowing, as he sees his tears running down his

cheeks once again.

He needs to clear his throat, otherwise, he wouldn't be able to talk at all.

"Chuuya—", he gets cut off again, and it's fucking exhausting.

"DON'T, PLEASE. JUST STOP. SHUT UP I DON'T WANNA HEAR IT", he yells until his voice /breaks/.

Chuuya hugs his legs tightly, digging his nails into his flesh until it hurts, while his whole body's shaking. He doesn't even care that he's crying in front of Dazai, like a child.
Although he knows, that the taller one will make fun of him later.
He gives a shit...

Dazai sighs deeply, stroking with one hand through his hair. He's not able to endure this. It hurts too much, seeing Chuuya suffering like that.

"Listen", he tries it once again, with the same result.

Chuuya cuts him off - /again/. And Dazai wants to tear his hair out.