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I realised this morning that I& #39;d just missed an anniversary of sorts. It& #39;s been a year since I last had suicidal thoughts. Pretty much every day for 10 years or so I& #39;d thought about it. I thought maybe everybody thought this way (maybe they do) 1/
For the great majority of those days, it was low level, "here& #39;s one way of escape" thoughts. But rarely, it would move to "how could I do it?". V rarely, it was making real plans. I was getting close to this point last summer 2/
There were two main causes I think - financial worry and a sort of loneliness. I could make friends but couldn& #39;t keep them. I would retreat into myself so far that I got scared of contacting people in case I was a drag to them. The longer it went the harder it was to reconnect 3/
This is still my most common nightmare - I am back at university, adrift of anyone who knows me, and completely distraught by the time I wake up. 4/
By this time last year, my job was really driving these thoughts. I had eventually managed to solve my money worries but I was frequently sitting in my car unable to get out and go to the office or meetings. 5/
I had been very lucky to go to Yale for a week and made what I hoped would be a good dozen or so new friends but as I feared would happen, I could feel those new links slipping away. 6/
There was a morning in early August last year when I sat in my car considering whether to go up to my office or over to the seafront and whatever might happen there. 7/
A couple of you here really helped me that morning. I talked to my boss, he helped me too. I made some more nice friends here in the days following, I had an interview and got a new job, and I really haven& #39;t felt the same since. 8/
I sort of wish I& #39;d known I could be as happy as I am at the moment. I wish I& #39;d been able to take action about money instead of stick my head in the sand for 10 years. I wish I could have talked to people more. 9/
But I really wish I could kick those nightmares. 10
